Holiday Road

I found out long ago. It's a long way down the Holiday Road. I'm just glad that, unlike Clark W. Griswold, I wasn't headed to Walley World this past weekend. No, my road led to one of my favorite sports experiences, a Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) and Cincinnati Reds weekend double-dip. Most of the time, I make the trip down to Cincy solo or with a friend. This time, however, I was excited to be leading a crew of seven down from the Glass City. Besides Owen (who joined me for the most recent bout I attended), none of the others had ever seen this caliber of derby. Two of them had watched our hometown Glass City Rollers, but that team is not comparable to even the B-Team of CRG. The other three were complete derby virgins. I love taking road trips with friends, and I love spreading the derby gospel, so it promised to be a great weekend.

Four of us left Toledo early Saturday afternoon (the others met us at the Cincinnati Gardens) for the familiar ride down I-75. We stopped for lunch at Texas Roadhouse in Lima, and by the time my food coma-induced nap had ended, we were already past Dayton. We decided to go downtown and check into our hotel before backtracking a few miles to meet up with the others. Upon our arrival at the Gardens, I was surprised to see that the lot immediately next to the building had been designated as "reserved parking." We ended up parking across the street and making a brief hike to the doors. As derby draws bigger crowds and (hopefully) ascends closer to "major sport" status, I'm sure that many of the little perks of CRG's early days will disappear. It looks like the free-for-all, first-come-first served parking was one of the first. I can only hope that as the years go by, we early fans keep getting a bit of special treatment. Speaking of which, we entered the Gardens to find tickets awaiting at will-call and great seats reserved for us trackside. Many thanks to Miss Print and "Snotty" the group ticket guru for making us feel like VIPs.

When our entire party had at last assembled, we picked up the first of many rounds of cheap beers and made our way to the seats. The derby tutorial had begun in the car, thanks to the fact that I brought the program from the San Diego bout. Upon seeing the track, we continued to discuss some rules and strategy. We even covered more arcane topics, such as passing the star and my new favorite sports term, cougaring (nee poodling, renamed to reflect the fact that a skater is intentionally picking up a minor). One the way in, we met up with The Librarian, who was as sweet and awesome as always. She was ambulating in a way that I can only describe as a cross between limping and skipping, thanks to her recent knee injury. While the injury kept her out of action on the track, it in no way dampened her enthusiasm or friendliness.

By the time we stood for the National Anthem, a small beeramid stood in front of our seats. The performer had a good voice, but I wished she had sung the Star-Spangled Banner, instead of whatever that song was. With all of the time I spend at sporting events, this is one of my pet peeves. I realize that you're getting some exposure and want to make a name for yourself, but this is not your American Idol moment. Please sing the actual notes, and sing it respectfully. This is not about you, it's about that flag, the people who fought for it, and all that it stands for.

I think that the time and attention that I devoted to explaining things to friends distracted me somewhat from the bout itself. So, if my observations are a bit off or incomplete, please forgive me. On to the notes from the bouts:

*** In the first game of the evening, CRG's Silent Lambs (B-Team) hosted Gem City Rollergirls' (GCR) Harley's Angels. Due to the geographical proximity and the skater transfers between the leagues over the past few years, the game had a bit more of an edge to it than I've come to expect from a Lambs bout. The matchup is certainly a study of what can happen when two teams start off in the same place and take radically different paths. A few years ago, when I first began following derby, CRG and GCR were in similar positions, and a matchup between the best of each was pretty close in terms of talent and coaching. CRG made a plan to institute a highly-structured, demanding approach, with an eye on national prominence. While I do not know the details of Gem City's operations at that stage, it seems as if that league did not follow suit. Some very talented skaters from Dayton decided that the higher-level competition was worth the commute to Cincy, immediately strengthening one league at the expense of the other. Time went by, and CRG's ambition manifested itself in the form of more travel, tougher opponents, and more talented skaters flocking (pun intended) to the Queen City from surrounding areas. In contrast, Gem City seemed to wither and almost disappear. Now, Gem City is struggling to regain its footing in the derby world, and its top skaters were matched with CRG's B-Team in Saturday's opening bout. The most telling difference between the two leagues is that the only Gem City skater I recognized from a few seasons ago was Juwana Hurt, and I only knew of her because she had at the time been one of my favorite CRG skaters. Consistency in coaching, leadership, and structure leads to success. For the sake of rivalries and Ohio derby in general, I hope that Gem City can make the climb.

*** The CRG coaching staff implemented a very inclusive jammer rotation. By my count, six skaters took at least two turns with the star and another added a single rogue jam. I'm not sure what led to this decision. Perhaps advance scouting had led the staff to believe this would be an easy game. Maybe the coaches were rewarding some skaters for hard work in practice. It could be that CRG is trying to develop more "triple-threat" players (more on that later). In any case, it did not hurt the Lambs in this contest. As an overall strategy, I doubt that it would have enjoyed success against a higher-level opponent. With only 40 minutes of play, the fatigue factor of using a three-jammer or four-jammer rotation should be negligible. Plus, the consistent activity would keep those jammers sharper and give them a much better feel for the game flow. I have, on many occasions, compared a jammer to a football running back. Most top NFL running backs prefer a heavy workload, despite the fatigue and punishment inherent in such a strategy. They need the repeated action to feel out the defense and to know how their blocking schemes will develop over the course of a game. A roller derby jam is essentially a series of rushing plays on skates. I have no doubt that the main CRG jammers would have liked more consistent turns, in order to maximize their effectiveness.

*** As for the individual jammers, Wheezy and Polly Rocket got the most action for the Lambs. Wheezy continued her string of impressive performances, showing the best combination of speed, power, and balance on the team. She made great use of the inside lanes that her outstanding blockers so regularly provided, while absorbing many solid hits. On a couple of occasions, I expected to see Wheezy on the ground in the infield after contact with Juwana Hurt. I marveled at her ability to stay upright and maintain enough speed to continue a scoring pass. Wheezy plays with the track savvy of a much more veteran skater, seeing the lanes develop and attacking them with purpose. Polly Rocket, who was out of action for the last bout I attended, was also very effective.

*** Bex Pistol also took (more or less) regular turns at the jammer line, and she continued to look better and better in her new role. Even though I have praised many aspects of her performances on multiple occasions, I noticed a major improvement in Bex's game. Bex was clearly more explosive in her skating. Her crossover steps through the turns had a powerful, almost violent quality, and she consistently approached the pack with very good speed. Bex has always been an extremely smart skater, and as she continues to adapt to life on the jammer line, I expect future opponents to struggle to deal with her skill set.

*** I have no problem admitting that I am a very biased Miss Print fan. It should therefore not shock you that I was very disappointed by her under-utilization in this bout. Our favorite purveyor of the printed word only saw the track twice, once in each half. Her first jam was, unfortunately, very forgettable. It was reminiscent of the "old" Miss Print, quick on the open track, but tentative within the pack. Not surprisingly, it led to her taking a pretty nasty hit coming out of turn three. As the bout progressed, Owen and I wondered if we would see her skate again that night. I didn't know whether she was injured on the first jam, or whether she had fallen out of the coaches' good graces. Finally, well into the second half, Miss Print took the track in a power jam situation. I lost track of how many points she scored (best guess: 12) because I was intently watching her navigate the pack. As her blockers slowed the pack, she seemed to find another gear, blazing around the track and putting some nifty, quick moves on Gem City's blockers. I can only imagine the great game she could have turned in with more track time.

*** While I was disappointed that Glamour Azz did not take her traditional, crowd-pleasing jam, it was nice to see Hop Devil in a cameo role with the star. Bombtrack and Pistol Whippin Wendy took a couple of turns each, to complete the jammer line-up.

*** CRG's blocking started off a bit shaky, but it greatly improved as the bout progressed. Early on, there were basically two packs on every jam. CRG held the front and inside portions, while Gem City generally controlled the back and outside of the pack. This system led to some good scoring for Cincinnati when a CRG jammer could juke or outpace a Gem City blocker at the back. It also, however, led to Gem City getting some very fast lead jammer calls by outracing CRG blockers on the outside. CRG's advantage in overall talent still led to a considerable lead at halftime, but I was interested to see if CRG would make some adjustments at halftime. Well, adjust they did! Kudos to the skaters and coaching staff for changing tactics and shoring up the pack play. As the second half began, those outside lanes for Gem City disappeared. Sometimes, it was Hop Devil or Ruff'n The Passer asserting control in the back, closing out the opposing jammer and playing some offense for their own. Others, it was Nik Jagger or Celia Graves sliding out from the inside to wall off the attack at the front. Many times, the pack did a nice job recycling the Gem City jammer after a good block by a pivot or trapping a Gem City blocker to leverage some high-scoring jams.

***Many individual blocking performances by CRG skaters deserve mention. I'll start with my pick for the MVP of the first bout, Hop Devil. Hop Devil is a rookie, but you'd never guess it by watching this bout. She has a very good track awareness, and her smarts and positioning led to many successful jams for the Lambs. In addition to her outstanding positional blocking, Hop Devil dished out some great hits, especially in the early stages of the second half. I'm certain that Gem City's Flirtini Tease and Racey Rocker awoke the next day very much aware of her presence. On one jam, Hop Devil and friends put such a pounding on Vanilla Milfshake that I felt sorry for the GCR jammer. I'm not sure that I have ever seen a jammer slowly make her way off the track with such a defeated look and posture. Add in the aforementioned late jammer appearance, and Hop Devil looks like a dual threat star in the making.

*** Nik Jagger and Celia Graves owned the front of the pack for most of the bout. They (and other CRG pivots and blockers) got caught inside at times early on, yielding the advantage to Gem City. More often, however, these stalwarts frustrated opposing jammers with quick lateral movement and punishing contact. I spotted Celia providing some emphatic whips to keep the points rolling for her jammers. Ruff'n The Passer made her return from maternity leave, blocking well as a last-minute replacement for the injured Librarian. Geez Louise continued to impress, and Cherry Choke was virtually always exactly where she needed to be. Poppy Chulo was effective throughout, and Penni Pusha, in limited track time, showed glimpses of future stardom. Penni reminded me a bit of a rookie of earlier vintage named Trauma Queen (now Black Sheep standout Trauma).

*** Diamond Kut-Her grabbed our attention with some big hits. In fact, Diamond provided a very memorable moment during the first bout. Gem City jammer Angry Ann used a nifty move to slip by Geez Louise on the outside, but Diamond was waiting for her. Diamond's hit sent Angry Ann all the way through the outer referee's oval and into our nascent beeramid. Unfortunately, her skates left a bruise on my friend Wendy's shins, but it was an exciting moment nonetheless.

*** Gem City, while overmatched overall, did feature some good performances. Juwana Hurt, while not the force of nature I remember, dealt some big hits and provided offensive help to her jammers on some of Gem City's most effective jams. Rockalottapus played a very strong game at the back of the pack, forcing the Silent Lambs to change tactics to deal with her. Racey Rocker had the most success among the jammers in dealing with a strong CRG defense.

*** The Silent Lambs maintained control of the bout for virtually the entire 40 minutes. CRG roughly doubled the Gem City score at halftime, and the final score reflected the overall performances, with CRG winning 112-53. My prediction before the bout was 94-51 CRG, so I was reasonably close. The second half of the game saw a less enthusiastic crowd, with the game slipping out of hand and the officials' inability to get a new jam organized and started quickly. The crowd is always a bit smaller and tamer for the Lambs bout, and the delays didn't help, but the fans still erupted when CRG delivered big hits or put together a high-scoring jam.

***The evening's main event featured CRG's Black Sheep (A-Team) hosting the Northstar Rollergirls' Supernovas, of Minneapolis. As the teams were closely-ranked in Derby News Network's (DNN) Power Rankings (CRG 19th, North Star 24th), I expected a close matchup, predicting a 101-85 Black Sheep victory. While the crowd was a bit smaller than it had been for previous bouts this season, the welcome for the Black Sheep was vociferous. By this time, our beeramid was in fine form, thanks to my friends' consumption and help from those in the surrounding seats. We built it close to the track, at the urging of Sk8 Crime, who vowed to knock someone into it. As you can see above, Owen put his engineering degree to good use!

*** The Black Sheep took control early and never let up. CRG's defense was rock-solid, many times completely trapping the North Star jammer in the pack while its own jammer put up multiple grand slams. The jammer lineup for the Sheep was a bit different than usual, and all of them were successful, but the defense was the best I had seen from CRG since the storied upset of Carolina. The final score was 119-50 in favor of Cincinnati, but the game wasn't even that close. Minnesooooota had a few decent jams late, when the outcome was no longer in doubt. It's possible that North Star was overrated coming in, but I think the big win had everything to do with a talented, well-prepared CRG squad. Sadly, the Black Sheep could not come through on the most important goal of the night, as no Supernovas hit Beeramid Castle.

*** Among the Supernovas, only Medusa had any sustained success as a jammer. She had the speed to be effective against the fast packs and faster jammers of the Black Sheep. On many occasions, a Minnesota jammer got the lead jammer finger, only to be forced to call it off at zero-zero when a CRG jammer easily overtook her on open track. A few of the other talented North Star players I noticed were Katarina Hit, Wake O'Standoff, and Camel Toni (awesome name as well).

*** Not surprisingly, Hannah Ouchocinco kept the scoreboard operator busy in her return from injury. I probably should just create an autotext function that chooses from among the following adjectives for each sentence: blazing, quick, nifty, outstanding, tough, amazing. Hannah broke open a tight contest early on with the best jam I have ever seen. She racked up 20 points, which is impressive enough. The way she garnered those four grand slams, however, was epic. I lost track of how many ridiculous jukes, shifts, and stutter-steps Hannah put on the hapless Supernovas defenders. She came into the pack with speed every time and somehow seemed to exit with more speed. I tried to remember which color pill I had chosen and looked around for Keanu Reeves. That night, I tried to recall a time that I had seen an athlete be that dominant over a two-minute stretch. My mental list had three names on it: Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, and one Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

*** The fact that Betty White could have put up a 4-0 jam or two with CRG's blockers doesn't take away from the fact that the other jammers kept to their high standards as well. North Star didn't have an answer for K Lethal's speed and balance. Sadistic Sadie celebrated her birthday with a Gardens sing-along and a day of very effective jamming and blocking. Trauma joined the ranks of triple-threats with some fine turns with the star. Sometimes it's very difficult to judge the speed capabilities of a pivot or blocker, as strategy usually dictates that the pack doesn't sprint. So, I was caught off guard a bit by Trauma's pace and ability as a jammer. As the derby world creeps ever closer to tournament season, the outstanding depth CRG is building might be the difference maker in making it to Nationals.

*** As I mentioned, the blocking by the Black Sheep was the story of this bout. In fact, it was so good that I must name two blockers to go with Hannah Ouchocinco as my tri-MVP's. First, it's time for me to give credit to a skater of whom I had been somewhat critical in past bouts. Nuk'em stepped out of the jammer rotation and delivered a magnificent game in the pack. Her disciplined approach was evident in the middle of the pack, where breathing room is scarce. Nuk'em held her position and did a great job playing offense and defense. What's more, when it was time to deliver the hit, she measured twice and crushed once. Wicked talent plus dedication to playing a smart game equaled a top-notch performance.

*** The final Black Sheep MVP award goes to Karma Krash, who played a nearly flawless pivot. She was in control of the pack, both in terms of strategy and as a physical presence when a North Star jammer found her way to the front. As a shortcut, I could simply list the remainder of the Black Sheep roster to highlight the skaters who had strong blocking performances. One whom I noticed often was Killian Destroy, who seems to instinctively switch from offense to defense and back at precisely the right time. I also spotted Sk8 Crime, Buckhead Betty, and Jungle Lacy doing great work on multiple occasions.

*** Overall, both CRG teams played with intensity, discipline, and great skill. In each bout, the second half was merely a formality, and I hope that DNN takes note of the Black Sheep performance and reverses its recent rankings mistake. The crowd was a bit smaller than usual, likely due to the holiday weekend, but those in attendance got their money's worth. My friends seemed to enjoy the experience, and all of them indicated a willingness to attend again as schedules permit. One thing that would certainly add to our enjoyment would have been a full 60-minute Silent Lambs game. Although the stands are always fuller when the Sheep hit the track, some of us enjoy the "B" game as much as or more than the main event. With extra-large 20-skater rosters and only 40 minutes of play, many of our favorite skaters don't really get the chance to shine. The Sheep aren't the only ones working hard for CRG on and off the track. How about some love for the Lambs with equal track time?

*** I, as always, enjoyed the chance to chat with some of the skaters during and after the bouts. Nik Jagger sat next to me for most of the Black Sheep bout and dispensed a lot of knowledge. Bex Pistol was pleased that I had noticed the results of her recent workouts. I had the pleasure of meeting Hop Devil and Wheezy for the first time, as I congratulated them on fine performances. Diamond Kut-Her apologized for sending an opponent into our beeramid (even though we thought it was awesome) and insisted on signing my program. Miss Print was a bit busy, but we managed to catch up with her more at Molly Malone's. And just about the only things cooler than Librarian conversations are Librarian hugs.

After the bouts, the seven of us headed to Molly Malone's for the after-party. While most of the crew found a spot inside and ordered food and drinks, Owen and I made our way to a roped-off, makeshift patio to mingle with the rollergirls. We got to enjoy another long chat with The Librarian, although I felt rude for talking so much while she was standing on a painful, injured knee. On her way in to find a chair, she introduced me to Geez Louise, who was very sweet. We finally caught up with Miss Print, who will aways hold a special place with me as the one who shared her knowledge and sparked my love of the sport. Bex Pistol also came over to our table to chat a bit before we got ready to leave and she got the dance party going. I was pretty surprised by how few of the CRG skaters made it to the bar, especially the Black Sheep. I was looking forward to meeting more of the rollergirls, but I still enjoyed talking with those who were present. It was nice to be there with friends, so that I wasn't wholly dependent on striking up conversations with strangers and acquaintances, but I still felt like I was intruding on a private party.

Two of the group split off after the bar to stay with relatives, and the rest of us made our way to the Hilton Netherland Hotel in downtown Cincy to get some rest. The hotel is beautiful and classy, especialy in the common areas. The upper floors could have used some improvements, and it was nigh impossible to get a soft drink after midnight. None of the shops or restaurnts were open, the vending maching on our floor was out of order, and the ones on other floors wouldn't take dollar bills. I finally went all the way down to the front desk to try to get change, and the clerk was nice enough to go into a back room and get two cans of complimentary Diet Coke for me. While the hotel itself was decent, its main benefit was location. I was looking for a reasonable price on a place within walking distance of Sunday's ballgame. Unbeknownst to me when I booked the room, the Taste of Cincinnati was going on right outside the hotel that weekend.

We decided to have the others meet us near our hotel and eat at the Taste before walking to the ballgame, figuring that the prices wouldn't be any worse and the food would be much better than GABP fare. Maybe Sunday at noon isn't a good time to visit, but I wasn't impressed with the size and scope of the festivities. I didn't expect it to match Taste of Chicago, which is absolutely amazing, fun, and filling. Still, I expected it to be larger than Taste of Toledo (it wasn't) and to have something happening besides food booths (it didn't). I sampled a few dishes that ranged from edible (bread pudding) to pedestrian (teriyaki steak that I could have made at home) to slightly above average ("famous" mac and cheese). I did not find Montgomery Inn, which I planned to sample at the urging of Bex Pistol, but I did encounter the noted Graeter's Ice Cream. I picked up a cup of the raspberry chocolate chip, and it was pretty good. Still, I didn't see how it became famous. For all of you Cincy people, try Handel's if you make it to Toledo or anywhere else that has one.

We walked down to the ballpark, stopping at a corner store to fill our soft-sided cooler with $1 bottles of cold water. I got our tickets from a fancy will-call electronic kiosk, and we dragged our already-sweaty bodies into one of baseball's great stadia. Our tickets had come with free hats (4 / $40 upper deck seats and free hats are a great bargain), so we found the booth and collected them before heading up to our sun-drenched seats on the third base side. It was pray-for-a-cloud hot as we watched the first few innings of a pitcher's duel. I expected the Reds to have a big advantage over the hapless Astros, but Houston's Felipe Paulino and Cincy's Mike Leake dueled to a standstill. The game rolled on, scoreless, as a well-timed sno-cone saved me from certain death in the middle innings. As we reached the bottom of the ninth, the Reds put together a threat, but they could not push a run across for the 1-0 victory. The top of the tenth brought two runs from Houston, and the Reds could not answer in their half. We joined the mass exodus of disappointed fans and walked back to the hotel parking garage to begin the drive home. I think that my shirt was finally dry somewhere around Findlay. We all had a fun weekend, but the heat of the past 24 hours had certainly sapped our energy. What a wonderful feeling it was to know that we had Monday to recover!

In the end, no one punched Marty Moose nor kidnapped John Candy. No one went swimming with Christie Brinkley (sadly). Still, we couldn't have had a better trip on the Holiday Road. It's too late to try the Rollergirls-Reds doubleheader this season, but you should at least set aside June 19th to attend CRG's final home bout of the season. Tell 'em Clark sent you.