Hot Town, Summer in the City

[Actually posted 7/3/09]

Apologies to all that it took almost two weeks to finally post this once I got home. Much of it was written within the first few days, but the remainder lingered until just now. Many factors led to the delay, including a busy span at both jobs, a four-day visit by my dad and his wife, and just a touch of writer's block. By the way, I will also be resorting to these same excuses if the quality of my writing lags a bit this time around. Be forewarned.

The weekend of June 20-21 saw the official return of summer and my return to Cincinnati for another Rollergirls / Reds doubleheader. This time around, I was fortunate to have some company, as my good friends decided to take their small children (a toddler and an infant) on a road trip and join me for various parts of the weekend's festivities. After dropping the dog off for her weekend play date, I left the Glass City on Saturday morning for the usual smooth jaunt down I-75. I drove separately from the others, with only my newly-installed XM satellite radio for companionship. I'm sure that as time goes by (which is a song I actually heard while flipping past the "Movie Soundtracks" station), I will branch out and discover many other stations. This time, however, I only needed the 80's station, the 90's station, Radio Margaritaville, and the baseball scores and previews station to make my three-plus hours in the car fly by.

The first order of business early Saturday afternoon was a visit to the Newport Aquarium. I made my way down to the Levee (not dry at all, Don MacLean, you lying SOB!) with minimal difficulty and found a reasonably convenient place to park. My only real experience with that side of the river had been almost two years ago, when I took the riverboat lunch cruise, so I had never seen the aquarium nor the surrounding shops. The aquatic wonders notwithstanding, I was quite underwhelmed by Newport on the Levee. For those of you familiar with the Toledo area, it reminded me of the overblown sprawl of Levis Commons in Perrysburg, only split into multiple levels. In fact, even the stores and attractions were straight out of the Levis playbook (Funny Bone comedy club, Johnny Rockets, Bar Louie, and such). Burning half a tank of gas to visit a paint-by-numbers upscale mall did not thrill me, so I had high hopes that a couple of hours with various sharks, fish, and turtles would salvage the afternoon.

Having grown up in the Chicago area, I realize that my standards for musea and attractions tend to be impossibly high. Nonetheless, I found the Newport Aquarium decent at best. Some of the exhibits, such as the jellyfish room, the giant turtles, and the shark rays swimming overhead, were quite impressive. Unfortunately, it seems that the overall design and comfort of the place detracted from the experience. Upon paying the $20 admission fee (and even $13 for a two-year-old!), the visitor enters the building and immediately descends an escalator into the third circle of Dante's Inferno (erroneously labeled on my map as an exhibit area). Our group of intrepid undersea explorers consisted of three adults, one happy infant in a backpack-like carrier, and one extremely rambunctious two-year-old boy, who immediately did his best to disappear into the crowd of people who rendered the narrow hallways nigh impassable. The aquarium is designed so that visitors must follow a set path from the entrance to the exit, making it very difficult for those who want to see specific aspects of the exhibits, as well as for those who have young children or would like to find the snack bar or restroom within the first hour of attendance. After about ten minutes of our aquatic adventure, I already wished that I had been charged an extra dollar or two to cover the cost of better climate control. A 90-degree day outside in June is par for the course, but 85 in a crowd of people indoors made me a bit cranky. Still, the kids had fun, and I did enjoy the sights. It's no match for the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago or the Miami Seaquarium, but one could do worse for kid-friendly entertainment.

After a quick layover at our hotel (a Red Roof Inn located in Florence, KY), my friend's wife and kids left for Dayton to meet some friends and see a Dragons baseball game. For my friend (a college fraternity brother) and me, it was time to heed the advice of The Lovin' Spoonful: "At night it's a different world, go out and find a girl." What better place to find girls than at an all-female roller derby bout? Moreover, the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) were holding a Date Auction to raise money for their travel season, which includes bouts in exotic locales like San Diego and, um, Pittsburgh. While a married man might run into a bit of trouble for spending the diaper money on a night out with three or four derby girls, I was under no such restriction.

And now, my customary look at the hits (as delivered by the Misses) of a night at the derby:

• We arrived at the Cincinnati Gardens just after the doors opened, at 6pm, and easily found a good (and free!) parking spot. Once again, the wonderful Miss Print had gone out of her way to make our experience great. This time around, she not only arranged to have our tickets available at Will Call, but also reserved two excellent seats for us in the first row of the "Flock" section of floor seats. As opposed to my chosen seat location last time, this position allowed both a great view of the action and the ability to see the running score and time on the opposite wall. It was still difficult to discern what the announcers were saying, even though we sat no more than twenty feet away from their table. As usual, the entire staff at the Gardens was accommodating and friendly.
• As we waited for the action to begin, I did my best to prepare my friend for what he was about to see. We went over the basic rules and scoring, and I told him some of my observations about the various skaters from previous bouts. While perusing the programs, we saw a lot of new names and faces on CRG's Silent Lambs (B-Team) squad, but no sign of The Librarian. After a few minutes, we saw her walking by, and she stopped to say hello. We discovered that she was out of action due to a knee injury. As veterans of surgeries and knee braces, my friend and I exchanged a nod and sympathized with her. She still seemed in great spirits and was friendly as always. I could tell that my friend was optimistic about having a good time at the derby, but that he hadn't really gotten into the atmosphere just yet. I introduced him to the Librarian, calling him a "derby virgin." She flashed that great smile and said, "We'll just have to pop your cherry then." He cracked up, and from that point, I knew he would be hooked.
• A quartet of men performed the Star-Spangled Banner, and it was outstanding. Perhaps it was a nod to Father's Day, as I am accustomed to females and women's groups getting the nod for most such activities at CRG bouts. Unlike at the bout against Madison, which coincided with Mother's Day and featured massages and activities for moms, there was no mention at all of the dads out there, and the chosen charity for the evening was related to women's cancer issues. I understand that this is a sport played by women, some of whom are mothers, but I thought it was tacky to not show some appreciation to the fathers as well. I think Major League Baseball strikes the right note, raising money for breast cancer research on Mother's Day and for prostate cancer research on Father's Day.
• The first bout of the evening featured the B-Teams, with CRG's Silent Lambs hosting Ohio Rollergirls' (OHRG's) Gang Green. The visitors arrived from Columbus notably shorthanded, as almost half of Gang Green's skaters (5 out of 11, as listed in the game program) were also on tap to skate for the all-stars in the night's second contest. In contrast, the Lambs' roster featured 20 skaters, none of them destined for double duty.
• The Lambs showed better consistency than usual, rarely having an off jam. They were able to play the bruising, defensive style for which they are known, while also kicking up the tempo for a few high-octane, multiple-grand-slam turns. This breakout game was all the more notable for several reasons. First, the Lambs were playing with an inordinate number of first-time CRG skaters, from veterans of other leagues like Buckhead Betty to rookies like Guided By Vices and Manic Janet (forgive me if anyone i cite as first-timers actually skated against Grand Raggidy, as I missed that bout). In light of the expanded roster, it was a testament to CRG's training and coaching staff that the Lambs' cohesiveness and pack discipline were outstanding. Additionally, as I mentioned earlier, about half of OHRG's B-Team was actually made up of all-stars like Dixie Heartless, Jaden Blayz, and Kill Basa. Finally, with the temperature and humidity in the Gardens hovering somewhere between Amazon Rain Forest and Blast Furnace, the Lambs maintained their strong play in the face of difficult and draining conditions. For you football players out there, think "first day of two-a-days in full pads" and you'll get the idea.
• As one might expect, a game that featured great overall play also overflowed with excellent individual performances. Chief among them for the Lambs was that of Jungle Lacy. Faithful readers of this blog know that I have praised her skill on many occasions. She is a true two-way threat, quick and smart on the jammer line and getting the most out of her small stature as a very effective blocker. In many previous games, it seemed that CRG had not given her enough opportunities to shine, but on this night, she took regular turns wearing the star and outclassed any other jammer either team had to offer. She displayed some wicked moves, and enough toughness to make me believe that she's slumming in rooting for a soft team like the Bengals.
• On the blocking side, it was no surprise that veteran Nik Jagger again set the tone for a solid and tough CRG pack. She continues to dish out many of the best hits for her squad (including an unfortunate friendly-fire collision with Cherry Choke), but she's not by any means a one-dimensional, all-or-nothing player. She is rarely caught out of position, and shows the same adroit skill with the subtle, strategic maneuvers inside a tight pack as she does with the crushing, open-track annihilation.
• It's difficult to single out individual blockers when so much credit is owed to the great teamwork on display, but some others certainly grabbed our attention. Mirderher had perhaps her best performance in all of the bouts I have seen, both in providing solid blocks and in playing good offense, using whips and setting picks to free CRG's jammers. Bex Pistol doesn't seem to garner much attention, but she should. She plays a smart game within the pack, and she showcased some strong skating throughout this bout. Much like a good offensive lineman in football, a good blocker in derby rarely gets the recognition she deserves, as the things she contributes to the team are often missed by casual observers. From two fans who used to battle in the trenches on the gridiron, cheers to Bex Pistol and all of CRG's blockers for a quietly outstanding performance.
• As a film buff who believes that Bull Durham is the greatest movie ever made, I took notice of one of CRG's new skaters. Well, to be fair, it was tough to miss her. When I saw Nuk'em out on the track, I wondered if her name was inspired by Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh, the wickedly talented but inconsistent rookie pitcher in the film. LaLoosh prompted this exchange between his manager and pitching coach:

  Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
  Larry: New league record!
  Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
  Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...
  [Joe laughs]
  Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

Nuk'em was all over the track, constantly going for the knockout hit. When the haymakers connected, it was a sight to behold, and the fans went wild. I hope that CRG's rookie can maintain her fire and ferocity, while adding the discipline to avoid ending up 25 feet out of position when she whiffs on a block. CRG has a lot of savvy veteran "Crash Davis" types, so I am optimistic that Nuk'em will harness her talent and become an effective all-around player.

• In terms of the jammers, The Lambs got excellent efforts from Polly Rocket (the best I've seen from her yet) and Cherry Choke, whose talent I have sadly overlooked in the past. Miss Print played Jekyll and Hyde for the bout, alternating very good jams with frustrating trips during which she could not escape the pack. Glamour Azz once again took the star for a single, memorable jam, continuing to cement her status as a fan favorite.
• Although the Gang Green vs. Silent Lambs bout featured some early give-and-take, CRG's superior depth and discipline were on display and its lead slowly expanded, bolstered by hard-fought defensive battles and the occasional double-digit jam alike. The Silent Lambs cruised to a convincing victory, 84-49.
• In the evening's Main Event, the OHRG All-Stars battled the homestanding CRG Black Sheep in a WFTDA bout. The Sheep, boasting a #4 ranking in the North Central Region and national prominence among the sport's cognoscenti, were expected to handily dispatch the lightly-regarded OHRG squad. Much like underdog Rocky Balboa in the original film, however, "[OHRG didn't] know it's a damn show! [They thought] it's a damn fight!" OHRG seemed to have read CRG's playbook before the bout, playing tough defense and strategically calling off jams after tallying a quick three or four points. Near the midway point of the first half, the crowd was subdued and I began to wonder if the Black Sheep were headed for a staggering upset defeat, as the OHRG team maintained a tenuous lead. I'm not exactly sure what changed at that point. Perhaps the Sheep realized they were in a battle and played harder, or superior talent (as it usually does) rose to the surface over time, or the overworked OHRG skaters began to wilt in the heat. Whatever the reason, CRG suddenly took control of the bout and never looked back. For the final 45 minutes of the bout, CRG looked like a team that deserved a place in the national spotlight, mixing individual talent and outstanding teamwork with a dash of style. The Sheep ended up posting a convincing victory, 100-49.
• Much as with the Lambs, the heroes on the Sheep side were numerous. Still, it would be wrong to start anywhere but with Sadistic Sadie. The vicious, fast, powerful, taunting Sadie that we know and love was on display, as she led all scorers for the evening. While I have no doubt that she could have a huge impact on the game without ever wearing the star, it was good to see Sadie back in the saddle as a frequent jammer. She showed the full range of skills on this night, sprinting off when necessary and changing speed and tactics frequently, to frustrate the opposition. OHRG's drrty grrl, who seemed to be the skater OHRG relied on as a top jammer, was completely held in check, mainly by virtue of a consistent match-up with Sadie on the jammer line. drrty grrl tried to stay in the match, an increasingly futile pursuit, giving little dance moves while entering and leaving the track and trying to keep her team pumped up. At one point on the jammer line, waiting for a whistle, she even started grinding on Sadie a bit from behind, simultaneously showing her frustration at being blocked out by Sadie and her head games and fulfilling the fantasies of many in attendance.
• Both Hannah Barbaric and K Lethal continued their string of powerful performances this season, easily carrying their share of the load as jammers. K Lethal did her best "Sadie Junior" impersonation at times, opting for some jammer-on-jammer action in lieu of grabbing a few more points. Dr. McDerby and Candy KICKass took some turns with the star as well, among others who got a stray jam as the game got out of hand.
• The blocking for the Black Sheep was strong as usual. Blu Bayou once again stood out as the most effective pivot. She is most certainly the total package, combining tremendous physical gifts with a head for in-game strategy. Often, basketball coaches speak of the most talented point guards as being like "coaches on the floor." Great pivots fill this role as well, and in my experience, none does it better than Blu Bayou.
• A pair of former Gem City Rollergirls had outstanding nights as blockers, as Black Sheep captain Ruff'n The Passer and Killian Destroy took care of business in the pack. While neither has a lot of size, both use exceptional balance and technical skating prowess to deliver some hits and control the pack. While both Ruff'n and Killian played solid defense as well, they really stood out on offense, as the Black Sheep turned their blockers loose to open up some major holes for the jammers. Even though OHRG lacked the consistently strong defensive presence of many of the top teams, it was good to see CRG preparing for those top squads by letting their blockers work on playing the two-way game.
• At times, the Black Sheep jammers politely declined the help from their teammates, choosing instead to fly by blockers, showcasing some of the most wicked moves I have seen. Way back in the olden days of high school football, I was on the receiving end of a juke by current Eagles QB Donovan McNabb that I still occasionally replay in my mind. I remember the helpless feeling of being completely overmatched in terms of speed and skill. As much talent as it took McNabb to move that way on cleats, imagine it on wheels! Hannah, K Lethal, and all of CRG's jammers brought back the wonder of seeing those kinds of moves up close. My memory fails me as to who performed this feat, but after one ridiculous juke right in front of our seats, I turned to my friend and said "If she (the OHRG blocker) were wearing a jock, she would have been faked out of it." I defy anyone to come to a bout and see action like that, then walk out and claim that roller derby is not a real sport.
• Lest anyone think that the night completely belonged to CRG's skaters, I must mention a few standouts from OHRG. Overall, I was very impressed by Jaden Blayz, who put in a long night of work, but always seemed equal to the task. Dixie Heartless brought a lot of skill and toughness for OHRG, and Kitty Liquorbottom's skating matched her name for sheer derby awesomeness. OHRG also featured one skater whose appearance in the program made me take notice. I remembered Kill Basa as one of the very best of the Burning River Roller Girls from Cleveland, and it appears that she brought her "A" game down I-71 to Columbus with her. Again, my admiration to all of the girls from Columbus who took on double duty in sweltering conditions and never let up.
• After the bout, we stayed to thank Miss Print for setting up our tickets (unfortunately not getting much time to chat), and ended up finally getting to meet Nik Jagger. I absolutely loved talking with Nik, as she was extremely fun, friendly, and intelligent, providing excellent insights. In fact, I must say that after this bout, she has broken into the rarified air among Miss Print and The Librarian my absolute personal favorites from the world of derby.
• As it was closing in on 10pm by this time, I stopped by to check on the silent auction bidding. When last I saw the sheets, I was in the lead for two of the "dates," a movie night and a baseball game. I didn't hang around to watch down to the final minute, so we left not knowing if I had prevailed in buying some company for an evening (sounds pretty pathetic when you say it that way). The following Friday, I received a phone call from Sk8 Crime, informing me that I was the winning bidder on dinner and a Dayton Dragons baseball game. I believe that all of the skaters involved in that evening are former Gem City Rollergirls, so I'm sure they will be excellent hosts for my time in Dayton. I returned the phone call to confirm my bid, but only got voice mail, thus sparing me the strange feeling of saying "Hello, may I speak to Sk8 Crime?" Unfortunately, after leaving a second voice mail just yesterday, I have still heard nothing back in terms of setting up the event or arranging for my payment, so no word on the details just yet. Also, I assume that someone outbid me at the last minute on the dinner and movie night. I did not expect to have a chance at that one, as both Miss Print and The Librarian were featured on that one, and both of them always have vocal cheering sections at the game. At a minimum, I figured Mr. Librarian or an amorous Miss Print groupie would easily trump my bid. No matter who won that one, I'm sure the two ladies partook in a sigh of relief at being spared a night with me and whatever movie I chose (Doesn't "Ernest Goes to Camp 3" come out this summer?).

After the bout, we passed on stopping by the after-party and returned to the Red Roof, where a restful night awaited me and a long night with two small children in a hotel room awaited my friend and his wife. When I saw them in the lobby for breakfast the next morning, she was proudly sporting the new CRG t-shirt we had bought for her, and we figured out the plan for that afternoon's Reds game. I harbored no delusions that they would be able to last the full nine innings, with temperatures in the nineties and cranky kids in the forecast, but I was excited nonetheless.

We drove separately and made our way down to the riverfront. I got a great parking space inside the GABP garage, enjoying the only benefit of my gimpy leg, while they searched elsewhere. I took their older son to the Build a Bear Workshop inside the ballpark, and he chose a "Gapper" (a red, furry mascot for the Reds). The Gapper is a good deal, as it runs a mere $20 and includes a jersey and hat. The bears and other animals require an additional purchase to outfit them in Reds gear. They were offering a deal on sound chips to go inside the toys, so (after warning my friend that his wife may eventually murder him for this indiscretion) we opted to add one that plays "Charge!" and one that plays "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." I was later told that he didn't let go of that toy the entire ride home, and that they have been awoken by the sound chips on more than one occasion since.

Our seats were in the View Box level, my favorite spot in the GABP, and the view over the river was magnificent as ever. Bottles of water and sno-cones made the temperature seem no higher than 115 degrees, and I was loving life, sitting in a great ballpark with friends and watching my White Sox take an early lead on the Reds. The Reds were even nice enough to give me a free tie for Father's Day, even though I was wearing a Sox hat and am not a father, as far as I know. By the top of the fifth inning, the kids were hot and antsy, and my friends began to make their way home. Thanks to my die-hard Southside pride and a few blessed clouds, I was able to hang in for the entire contest. I was treated to an excellent performance by Mark Buehrle, as well as Paul Konerko's 1000th career RBI, as the ChiSox won by a margin of 4-1. This brought the Chicagoans' overall record to 14-3 versus the Reds in interleague play, including 3-0 in games I have attended.

By the time the game ended, the back of my neck was getting dirty and gritty, and the forlorn Reds fans were lookin' half dead, walkin' on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head. It was time to revel in the joy of another great Cincinnati weekend. My car seems to know the way home, and in no time, I was on I-75, tuning in another ballgame on the satellite radio. If all of that wasn't enough, I had one very excited little puggle waiting to see me when I got home. Never underestimate the happiness in life that comes from being loved, even if it's just by a little brown dog.