Holiday Road

I found out long ago. It's a long way down the Holiday Road. I'm just glad that, unlike Clark W. Griswold, I wasn't headed to Walley World this past weekend. No, my road led to one of my favorite sports experiences, a Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) and Cincinnati Reds weekend double-dip. Most of the time, I make the trip down to Cincy solo or with a friend. This time, however, I was excited to be leading a crew of seven down from the Glass City. Besides Owen (who joined me for the most recent bout I attended), none of the others had ever seen this caliber of derby. Two of them had watched our hometown Glass City Rollers, but that team is not comparable to even the B-Team of CRG. The other three were complete derby virgins. I love taking road trips with friends, and I love spreading the derby gospel, so it promised to be a great weekend.

Four of us left Toledo early Saturday afternoon (the others met us at the Cincinnati Gardens) for the familiar ride down I-75. We stopped for lunch at Texas Roadhouse in Lima, and by the time my food coma-induced nap had ended, we were already past Dayton. We decided to go downtown and check into our hotel before backtracking a few miles to meet up with the others. Upon our arrival at the Gardens, I was surprised to see that the lot immediately next to the building had been designated as "reserved parking." We ended up parking across the street and making a brief hike to the doors. As derby draws bigger crowds and (hopefully) ascends closer to "major sport" status, I'm sure that many of the little perks of CRG's early days will disappear. It looks like the free-for-all, first-come-first served parking was one of the first. I can only hope that as the years go by, we early fans keep getting a bit of special treatment. Speaking of which, we entered the Gardens to find tickets awaiting at will-call and great seats reserved for us trackside. Many thanks to Miss Print and "Snotty" the group ticket guru for making us feel like VIPs.

When our entire party had at last assembled, we picked up the first of many rounds of cheap beers and made our way to the seats. The derby tutorial had begun in the car, thanks to the fact that I brought the program from the San Diego bout. Upon seeing the track, we continued to discuss some rules and strategy. We even covered more arcane topics, such as passing the star and my new favorite sports term, cougaring (nee poodling, renamed to reflect the fact that a skater is intentionally picking up a minor). One the way in, we met up with The Librarian, who was as sweet and awesome as always. She was ambulating in a way that I can only describe as a cross between limping and skipping, thanks to her recent knee injury. While the injury kept her out of action on the track, it in no way dampened her enthusiasm or friendliness.

By the time we stood for the National Anthem, a small beeramid stood in front of our seats. The performer had a good voice, but I wished she had sung the Star-Spangled Banner, instead of whatever that song was. With all of the time I spend at sporting events, this is one of my pet peeves. I realize that you're getting some exposure and want to make a name for yourself, but this is not your American Idol moment. Please sing the actual notes, and sing it respectfully. This is not about you, it's about that flag, the people who fought for it, and all that it stands for.

I think that the time and attention that I devoted to explaining things to friends distracted me somewhat from the bout itself. So, if my observations are a bit off or incomplete, please forgive me. On to the notes from the bouts:

*** In the first game of the evening, CRG's Silent Lambs (B-Team) hosted Gem City Rollergirls' (GCR) Harley's Angels. Due to the geographical proximity and the skater transfers between the leagues over the past few years, the game had a bit more of an edge to it than I've come to expect from a Lambs bout. The matchup is certainly a study of what can happen when two teams start off in the same place and take radically different paths. A few years ago, when I first began following derby, CRG and GCR were in similar positions, and a matchup between the best of each was pretty close in terms of talent and coaching. CRG made a plan to institute a highly-structured, demanding approach, with an eye on national prominence. While I do not know the details of Gem City's operations at that stage, it seems as if that league did not follow suit. Some very talented skaters from Dayton decided that the higher-level competition was worth the commute to Cincy, immediately strengthening one league at the expense of the other. Time went by, and CRG's ambition manifested itself in the form of more travel, tougher opponents, and more talented skaters flocking (pun intended) to the Queen City from surrounding areas. In contrast, Gem City seemed to wither and almost disappear. Now, Gem City is struggling to regain its footing in the derby world, and its top skaters were matched with CRG's B-Team in Saturday's opening bout. The most telling difference between the two leagues is that the only Gem City skater I recognized from a few seasons ago was Juwana Hurt, and I only knew of her because she had at the time been one of my favorite CRG skaters. Consistency in coaching, leadership, and structure leads to success. For the sake of rivalries and Ohio derby in general, I hope that Gem City can make the climb.

*** The CRG coaching staff implemented a very inclusive jammer rotation. By my count, six skaters took at least two turns with the star and another added a single rogue jam. I'm not sure what led to this decision. Perhaps advance scouting had led the staff to believe this would be an easy game. Maybe the coaches were rewarding some skaters for hard work in practice. It could be that CRG is trying to develop more "triple-threat" players (more on that later). In any case, it did not hurt the Lambs in this contest. As an overall strategy, I doubt that it would have enjoyed success against a higher-level opponent. With only 40 minutes of play, the fatigue factor of using a three-jammer or four-jammer rotation should be negligible. Plus, the consistent activity would keep those jammers sharper and give them a much better feel for the game flow. I have, on many occasions, compared a jammer to a football running back. Most top NFL running backs prefer a heavy workload, despite the fatigue and punishment inherent in such a strategy. They need the repeated action to feel out the defense and to know how their blocking schemes will develop over the course of a game. A roller derby jam is essentially a series of rushing plays on skates. I have no doubt that the main CRG jammers would have liked more consistent turns, in order to maximize their effectiveness.

*** As for the individual jammers, Wheezy and Polly Rocket got the most action for the Lambs. Wheezy continued her string of impressive performances, showing the best combination of speed, power, and balance on the team. She made great use of the inside lanes that her outstanding blockers so regularly provided, while absorbing many solid hits. On a couple of occasions, I expected to see Wheezy on the ground in the infield after contact with Juwana Hurt. I marveled at her ability to stay upright and maintain enough speed to continue a scoring pass. Wheezy plays with the track savvy of a much more veteran skater, seeing the lanes develop and attacking them with purpose. Polly Rocket, who was out of action for the last bout I attended, was also very effective.

*** Bex Pistol also took (more or less) regular turns at the jammer line, and she continued to look better and better in her new role. Even though I have praised many aspects of her performances on multiple occasions, I noticed a major improvement in Bex's game. Bex was clearly more explosive in her skating. Her crossover steps through the turns had a powerful, almost violent quality, and she consistently approached the pack with very good speed. Bex has always been an extremely smart skater, and as she continues to adapt to life on the jammer line, I expect future opponents to struggle to deal with her skill set.

*** I have no problem admitting that I am a very biased Miss Print fan. It should therefore not shock you that I was very disappointed by her under-utilization in this bout. Our favorite purveyor of the printed word only saw the track twice, once in each half. Her first jam was, unfortunately, very forgettable. It was reminiscent of the "old" Miss Print, quick on the open track, but tentative within the pack. Not surprisingly, it led to her taking a pretty nasty hit coming out of turn three. As the bout progressed, Owen and I wondered if we would see her skate again that night. I didn't know whether she was injured on the first jam, or whether she had fallen out of the coaches' good graces. Finally, well into the second half, Miss Print took the track in a power jam situation. I lost track of how many points she scored (best guess: 12) because I was intently watching her navigate the pack. As her blockers slowed the pack, she seemed to find another gear, blazing around the track and putting some nifty, quick moves on Gem City's blockers. I can only imagine the great game she could have turned in with more track time.

*** While I was disappointed that Glamour Azz did not take her traditional, crowd-pleasing jam, it was nice to see Hop Devil in a cameo role with the star. Bombtrack and Pistol Whippin Wendy took a couple of turns each, to complete the jammer line-up.

*** CRG's blocking started off a bit shaky, but it greatly improved as the bout progressed. Early on, there were basically two packs on every jam. CRG held the front and inside portions, while Gem City generally controlled the back and outside of the pack. This system led to some good scoring for Cincinnati when a CRG jammer could juke or outpace a Gem City blocker at the back. It also, however, led to Gem City getting some very fast lead jammer calls by outracing CRG blockers on the outside. CRG's advantage in overall talent still led to a considerable lead at halftime, but I was interested to see if CRG would make some adjustments at halftime. Well, adjust they did! Kudos to the skaters and coaching staff for changing tactics and shoring up the pack play. As the second half began, those outside lanes for Gem City disappeared. Sometimes, it was Hop Devil or Ruff'n The Passer asserting control in the back, closing out the opposing jammer and playing some offense for their own. Others, it was Nik Jagger or Celia Graves sliding out from the inside to wall off the attack at the front. Many times, the pack did a nice job recycling the Gem City jammer after a good block by a pivot or trapping a Gem City blocker to leverage some high-scoring jams.

***Many individual blocking performances by CRG skaters deserve mention. I'll start with my pick for the MVP of the first bout, Hop Devil. Hop Devil is a rookie, but you'd never guess it by watching this bout. She has a very good track awareness, and her smarts and positioning led to many successful jams for the Lambs. In addition to her outstanding positional blocking, Hop Devil dished out some great hits, especially in the early stages of the second half. I'm certain that Gem City's Flirtini Tease and Racey Rocker awoke the next day very much aware of her presence. On one jam, Hop Devil and friends put such a pounding on Vanilla Milfshake that I felt sorry for the GCR jammer. I'm not sure that I have ever seen a jammer slowly make her way off the track with such a defeated look and posture. Add in the aforementioned late jammer appearance, and Hop Devil looks like a dual threat star in the making.

*** Nik Jagger and Celia Graves owned the front of the pack for most of the bout. They (and other CRG pivots and blockers) got caught inside at times early on, yielding the advantage to Gem City. More often, however, these stalwarts frustrated opposing jammers with quick lateral movement and punishing contact. I spotted Celia providing some emphatic whips to keep the points rolling for her jammers. Ruff'n The Passer made her return from maternity leave, blocking well as a last-minute replacement for the injured Librarian. Geez Louise continued to impress, and Cherry Choke was virtually always exactly where she needed to be. Poppy Chulo was effective throughout, and Penni Pusha, in limited track time, showed glimpses of future stardom. Penni reminded me a bit of a rookie of earlier vintage named Trauma Queen (now Black Sheep standout Trauma).

*** Diamond Kut-Her grabbed our attention with some big hits. In fact, Diamond provided a very memorable moment during the first bout. Gem City jammer Angry Ann used a nifty move to slip by Geez Louise on the outside, but Diamond was waiting for her. Diamond's hit sent Angry Ann all the way through the outer referee's oval and into our nascent beeramid. Unfortunately, her skates left a bruise on my friend Wendy's shins, but it was an exciting moment nonetheless.

*** Gem City, while overmatched overall, did feature some good performances. Juwana Hurt, while not the force of nature I remember, dealt some big hits and provided offensive help to her jammers on some of Gem City's most effective jams. Rockalottapus played a very strong game at the back of the pack, forcing the Silent Lambs to change tactics to deal with her. Racey Rocker had the most success among the jammers in dealing with a strong CRG defense.

*** The Silent Lambs maintained control of the bout for virtually the entire 40 minutes. CRG roughly doubled the Gem City score at halftime, and the final score reflected the overall performances, with CRG winning 112-53. My prediction before the bout was 94-51 CRG, so I was reasonably close. The second half of the game saw a less enthusiastic crowd, with the game slipping out of hand and the officials' inability to get a new jam organized and started quickly. The crowd is always a bit smaller and tamer for the Lambs bout, and the delays didn't help, but the fans still erupted when CRG delivered big hits or put together a high-scoring jam.

***The evening's main event featured CRG's Black Sheep (A-Team) hosting the Northstar Rollergirls' Supernovas, of Minneapolis. As the teams were closely-ranked in Derby News Network's (DNN) Power Rankings (CRG 19th, North Star 24th), I expected a close matchup, predicting a 101-85 Black Sheep victory. While the crowd was a bit smaller than it had been for previous bouts this season, the welcome for the Black Sheep was vociferous. By this time, our beeramid was in fine form, thanks to my friends' consumption and help from those in the surrounding seats. We built it close to the track, at the urging of Sk8 Crime, who vowed to knock someone into it. As you can see above, Owen put his engineering degree to good use!

*** The Black Sheep took control early and never let up. CRG's defense was rock-solid, many times completely trapping the North Star jammer in the pack while its own jammer put up multiple grand slams. The jammer lineup for the Sheep was a bit different than usual, and all of them were successful, but the defense was the best I had seen from CRG since the storied upset of Carolina. The final score was 119-50 in favor of Cincinnati, but the game wasn't even that close. Minnesooooota had a few decent jams late, when the outcome was no longer in doubt. It's possible that North Star was overrated coming in, but I think the big win had everything to do with a talented, well-prepared CRG squad. Sadly, the Black Sheep could not come through on the most important goal of the night, as no Supernovas hit Beeramid Castle.

*** Among the Supernovas, only Medusa had any sustained success as a jammer. She had the speed to be effective against the fast packs and faster jammers of the Black Sheep. On many occasions, a Minnesota jammer got the lead jammer finger, only to be forced to call it off at zero-zero when a CRG jammer easily overtook her on open track. A few of the other talented North Star players I noticed were Katarina Hit, Wake O'Standoff, and Camel Toni (awesome name as well).

*** Not surprisingly, Hannah Ouchocinco kept the scoreboard operator busy in her return from injury. I probably should just create an autotext function that chooses from among the following adjectives for each sentence: blazing, quick, nifty, outstanding, tough, amazing. Hannah broke open a tight contest early on with the best jam I have ever seen. She racked up 20 points, which is impressive enough. The way she garnered those four grand slams, however, was epic. I lost track of how many ridiculous jukes, shifts, and stutter-steps Hannah put on the hapless Supernovas defenders. She came into the pack with speed every time and somehow seemed to exit with more speed. I tried to remember which color pill I had chosen and looked around for Keanu Reeves. That night, I tried to recall a time that I had seen an athlete be that dominant over a two-minute stretch. My mental list had three names on it: Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, and one Michael Jeffrey Jordan.

*** The fact that Betty White could have put up a 4-0 jam or two with CRG's blockers doesn't take away from the fact that the other jammers kept to their high standards as well. North Star didn't have an answer for K Lethal's speed and balance. Sadistic Sadie celebrated her birthday with a Gardens sing-along and a day of very effective jamming and blocking. Trauma joined the ranks of triple-threats with some fine turns with the star. Sometimes it's very difficult to judge the speed capabilities of a pivot or blocker, as strategy usually dictates that the pack doesn't sprint. So, I was caught off guard a bit by Trauma's pace and ability as a jammer. As the derby world creeps ever closer to tournament season, the outstanding depth CRG is building might be the difference maker in making it to Nationals.

*** As I mentioned, the blocking by the Black Sheep was the story of this bout. In fact, it was so good that I must name two blockers to go with Hannah Ouchocinco as my tri-MVP's. First, it's time for me to give credit to a skater of whom I had been somewhat critical in past bouts. Nuk'em stepped out of the jammer rotation and delivered a magnificent game in the pack. Her disciplined approach was evident in the middle of the pack, where breathing room is scarce. Nuk'em held her position and did a great job playing offense and defense. What's more, when it was time to deliver the hit, she measured twice and crushed once. Wicked talent plus dedication to playing a smart game equaled a top-notch performance.

*** The final Black Sheep MVP award goes to Karma Krash, who played a nearly flawless pivot. She was in control of the pack, both in terms of strategy and as a physical presence when a North Star jammer found her way to the front. As a shortcut, I could simply list the remainder of the Black Sheep roster to highlight the skaters who had strong blocking performances. One whom I noticed often was Killian Destroy, who seems to instinctively switch from offense to defense and back at precisely the right time. I also spotted Sk8 Crime, Buckhead Betty, and Jungle Lacy doing great work on multiple occasions.

*** Overall, both CRG teams played with intensity, discipline, and great skill. In each bout, the second half was merely a formality, and I hope that DNN takes note of the Black Sheep performance and reverses its recent rankings mistake. The crowd was a bit smaller than usual, likely due to the holiday weekend, but those in attendance got their money's worth. My friends seemed to enjoy the experience, and all of them indicated a willingness to attend again as schedules permit. One thing that would certainly add to our enjoyment would have been a full 60-minute Silent Lambs game. Although the stands are always fuller when the Sheep hit the track, some of us enjoy the "B" game as much as or more than the main event. With extra-large 20-skater rosters and only 40 minutes of play, many of our favorite skaters don't really get the chance to shine. The Sheep aren't the only ones working hard for CRG on and off the track. How about some love for the Lambs with equal track time?

*** I, as always, enjoyed the chance to chat with some of the skaters during and after the bouts. Nik Jagger sat next to me for most of the Black Sheep bout and dispensed a lot of knowledge. Bex Pistol was pleased that I had noticed the results of her recent workouts. I had the pleasure of meeting Hop Devil and Wheezy for the first time, as I congratulated them on fine performances. Diamond Kut-Her apologized for sending an opponent into our beeramid (even though we thought it was awesome) and insisted on signing my program. Miss Print was a bit busy, but we managed to catch up with her more at Molly Malone's. And just about the only things cooler than Librarian conversations are Librarian hugs.

After the bouts, the seven of us headed to Molly Malone's for the after-party. While most of the crew found a spot inside and ordered food and drinks, Owen and I made our way to a roped-off, makeshift patio to mingle with the rollergirls. We got to enjoy another long chat with The Librarian, although I felt rude for talking so much while she was standing on a painful, injured knee. On her way in to find a chair, she introduced me to Geez Louise, who was very sweet. We finally caught up with Miss Print, who will aways hold a special place with me as the one who shared her knowledge and sparked my love of the sport. Bex Pistol also came over to our table to chat a bit before we got ready to leave and she got the dance party going. I was pretty surprised by how few of the CRG skaters made it to the bar, especially the Black Sheep. I was looking forward to meeting more of the rollergirls, but I still enjoyed talking with those who were present. It was nice to be there with friends, so that I wasn't wholly dependent on striking up conversations with strangers and acquaintances, but I still felt like I was intruding on a private party.

Two of the group split off after the bar to stay with relatives, and the rest of us made our way to the Hilton Netherland Hotel in downtown Cincy to get some rest. The hotel is beautiful and classy, especialy in the common areas. The upper floors could have used some improvements, and it was nigh impossible to get a soft drink after midnight. None of the shops or restaurnts were open, the vending maching on our floor was out of order, and the ones on other floors wouldn't take dollar bills. I finally went all the way down to the front desk to try to get change, and the clerk was nice enough to go into a back room and get two cans of complimentary Diet Coke for me. While the hotel itself was decent, its main benefit was location. I was looking for a reasonable price on a place within walking distance of Sunday's ballgame. Unbeknownst to me when I booked the room, the Taste of Cincinnati was going on right outside the hotel that weekend.

We decided to have the others meet us near our hotel and eat at the Taste before walking to the ballgame, figuring that the prices wouldn't be any worse and the food would be much better than GABP fare. Maybe Sunday at noon isn't a good time to visit, but I wasn't impressed with the size and scope of the festivities. I didn't expect it to match Taste of Chicago, which is absolutely amazing, fun, and filling. Still, I expected it to be larger than Taste of Toledo (it wasn't) and to have something happening besides food booths (it didn't). I sampled a few dishes that ranged from edible (bread pudding) to pedestrian (teriyaki steak that I could have made at home) to slightly above average ("famous" mac and cheese). I did not find Montgomery Inn, which I planned to sample at the urging of Bex Pistol, but I did encounter the noted Graeter's Ice Cream. I picked up a cup of the raspberry chocolate chip, and it was pretty good. Still, I didn't see how it became famous. For all of you Cincy people, try Handel's if you make it to Toledo or anywhere else that has one.

We walked down to the ballpark, stopping at a corner store to fill our soft-sided cooler with $1 bottles of cold water. I got our tickets from a fancy will-call electronic kiosk, and we dragged our already-sweaty bodies into one of baseball's great stadia. Our tickets had come with free hats (4 / $40 upper deck seats and free hats are a great bargain), so we found the booth and collected them before heading up to our sun-drenched seats on the third base side. It was pray-for-a-cloud hot as we watched the first few innings of a pitcher's duel. I expected the Reds to have a big advantage over the hapless Astros, but Houston's Felipe Paulino and Cincy's Mike Leake dueled to a standstill. The game rolled on, scoreless, as a well-timed sno-cone saved me from certain death in the middle innings. As we reached the bottom of the ninth, the Reds put together a threat, but they could not push a run across for the 1-0 victory. The top of the tenth brought two runs from Houston, and the Reds could not answer in their half. We joined the mass exodus of disappointed fans and walked back to the hotel parking garage to begin the drive home. I think that my shirt was finally dry somewhere around Findlay. We all had a fun weekend, but the heat of the past 24 hours had certainly sapped our energy. What a wonderful feeling it was to know that we had Monday to recover!

In the end, no one punched Marty Moose nor kidnapped John Candy. No one went swimming with Christie Brinkley (sadly). Still, we couldn't have had a better trip on the Holiday Road. It's too late to try the Rollergirls-Reds doubleheader this season, but you should at least set aside June 19th to attend CRG's final home bout of the season. Tell 'em Clark sent you.

Breaking up is hard to do.

(Note: I wanted to post pictures of Owen with Hannah and Owen getting "shushed" by The Librarian, but Blogspot is currently being a smelly pirate hooker and not allowing me to do much of anything.)

When last I wrote to you, I had pledged to myself two things. First, that I would break off my affair with the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG). I swore that I would not drive all the way to Cincy just to watch a roller derby bout. I left open the possibility that I would attend in the future, but only if I happened to be in town for something else. Above all, I would not devote hours to writing about the event if I indeed happened to watch. Second, I told myself that I would be more diligent with my blogging. I would finish posting my rankings of the ballparks I have attended and write about new experiences. I would post lists of my favorite movie quotes, 1980's songs, and restaurants. I would even, from time to time, weigh in on the issues of the day. That was in August 2009. If you're scoring at home (or even if you're alone), that would be fail and epic fail on my two objectives. I'm sorry. I have lots of excuses: two jobs, health issues, taking care of my dog, and trying to have a personal life. Choose any that sound good to you today. So, with my latest mea culpa out of the way, let's discuss my trip to Cincy for a night of roller derby.


So why, after my professed breakup with CRG, did I decide to drive to Cincy and back for yesterday's bout? I suppose that there were two main factors. The simplest explanation is that one devoted and caring rollergirl, whom I respect very much, encouraged me not to give up on supporting the team. Even though I am to most of the members of CRG a random and replaceable ass in the seats among thousands, knowing that my support mattered to at least one person there meant a great deal. Beyond this, any one who knows me knows that I am a sucker for renewal, reconnection, and second chances. My single favorite day of each year is Major League Baseball Opening Day. Those of you with a connection to Cincy probably understand this better than most, as the Reds host the "traditional" start to the season, a beloved event in that fair burgh. To me, Opening Day is hope. It represents the return of a long-absent friend. Every fan is expectant, and every team is in first place. It is a chance to make right what has been wrong in the past. It is the chance, however strong or however slim, that this year will end in glory. What better day than CRG's home opener at the Cincinnati Gardens to see if the spirit of rebirth extended to roller derby?

I managed to recruit Owen, my best friend since college and the presumptive best man should I ever be inclined to attempt another engagement, to join me for his first ever roller derby experience. On the way down from Toledo, we listened to the XM radio and talked of many things. He had some questions about derby. Is it choreographed, like the roller derby I vaguely remember watching? (Definitely not.) How much to they get paid? (Nothing. In fact they pay to play.) So this is a hobby? They have real jobs AND do this? And they're still really good? (Yes, yes, and yes, although I suspect that calling it a "hobby" doesn't do it justice.) I promised that I would fill him in on the rules and some of the strategy once we got to our seats and he could use the track itself for reference. The trip was easy and uneventful, and we arrived at the Gardens just a bit before the doors opened at 6pm.

As she has done many times in the past, the lovely and talented Miss Print made the arrangements for our trackside seats. I later found out that another personal favorite skater, Trauma, had assisted in placing our tickets at will call, so many thanks to both of them. We stopped on the way to the seating area and picked up a pair of $1 PBR's for Owen. Since I generally don't drink, this was the first time I had ever partaken in CRG's version of happy hour. Miss Print had mentioned that she would try to reserve two seats for us in one of my preferred areas. After taking a lap of the trackside seats and not seeing any such signs, we opted to sit in the front row of the VIP section, near the announcers' table. These are certainly my favorite seats, as they provide a good view of the action, a nice sight line to the only scoreboard, and the occasional ability to ascertain what the announcer is saying. Since there were no velvet ropes and no ill-tempered bouncers, nothing stood in the way of our rightful VIP status.


As the skaters began to take the track for warm-ups, and the friendly and capable support staff made final preparations for the bout, I detailed the rules and general strategies of derby for Owen. As I knew he would, he picked up on these quickly, drawing on a sports background (baseball, football) similar to my own. By the first few minutes of the "B" game, he was already making astute observations. As we were talking, Miss Print game over to greet us. Apparently, we did have seats reserved on the other side of the arena, but we chose to remain VIP's. The Librarian, my other favorite since the Dames of Destruction took the track in Cincy, also gave us a wave and a "shush" as she prepared for her bout. After about an hour of talking and approximately 2, 412 trips to the restroom and beer stand for Owen, we stood for a very good rendition of the Star-Spangled Banner. By the time the lineups for the B game (CRG Silent Lambs vs. Circle City Socialites of Indianapolis) we announced, a crowd I estimated at 1,000 or less was ready for the action.

• The Lambs featured many new (or at least new-to-me) skaters for this game. By my count, I had only previously seen half of this squad in action. Since the B games are not official WFTDA games, the rosters may be larger than 14. These teams each put 19 or 20 different skaters on the floor during the bout, and CRG featured a four-woman primary jammer rotation, plus guest jams from a few others. Of the Lambs' main jammers, only Miss Print had regularly worn the star in the past. Circle City is a team with relatively little interleague experience. The ladies from Indy played with intensity, although it was clear that they did not benefit from the same level of coaching that the Lambs claimed.
  


• The star of the show from the jamming line was CRG's Wheezy. In addition to a quadruple grand slam (20 points on a single jam, which I don't recall ever seeing in person before), she racked up many other high-scoring performances. In virtually every one of her jams, Wheezy took lead jammer easily. Her speed was unmatched, and this often allowed her a very clean initial pass on the outside. The pack did a great job slowing down for her and "trapping" a Circle City blocker, allowing Wheezy to use her speed for its maximum point-scoring impact. I was also very impressed by her balance. Many times, she absorbed a decent hit and managed to stay upright and in control, even holding her line on one skate at times. As she learns more from her time skating with a smart and experienced CRG bunch, I expect even better things from Wheezy. Still, she and her teammates should be very proud of this auspicious start.

• Wheezy was not alone in an impressive jamming performance for the Lambs. Miss Print put it all together in this bout and displayed her best performance in some time. Good things came in small packages for CRG, as Miss Print seemed even a bit faster than usual. More impressive than her speed game, which is pretty consistent, was her aggressiveness. On virtually every pass, Miss Print seemed to know exactly where she wanted to be, and she attacked the holes in Circle City's blocking. In a previous discussion, I had told her of the importance of aggressive and decisive tactics, comparing a jammer to a football running back. While I certainly take no credit for the improvement in this facet of her game, it was nonetheless an astonishing improvement. Miss Print was sharp and quick in and out of her cuts, and she took advantage of very small openings by seizing them before they could close. In the past, the biggest flaw in her game was that she spent a sizable portion of a typical jam on the ground or knocked out of bounds. While I did notice an uptick in her strength, toughness, and ability to take a hit, I believe that her mental game made the biggest difference in her spending more time upright this time around.

• The other revelation from the B game was Bex Pistol. I had extolled her virtues as a smart positional blocker before, but this time we got to see what she could do while wearing the star. Bex showed speed and agility I hadn't noticed before, to go along with the track savvy I remembered. That combination led to a very solid point output. While I don't have official stats, it wouldn't surprise me to discover that Bex (as well as Wheezy and maybe Miss Print) outscored Circle City by herself. Also, if you get the chance to talk to her after the bout, I'd recommend it. She's sweet, smart, and funny, so well worth the time.

• In truth, all of the Lambs' jammers had success against Circle City. Pistol Whippin Wendy got regular turns, and crowd favorite Glamourazz went beyond her usual single jam. It was also nice to see newcomer Rebel Sk8r get a late jam with a large group of supporters in attendance. I believe the overall success stems from multiple factors. First, CRG's blocking was very solid throughout, and good blocking certainly makes a jammer look much better. Also, I'm sure that the coaching (both from coaches and veteran CRG skaters) prepared them well to expand into jammer roles. Finally, while not wanting to take anything away from CRG's performance, the talent disparity between the two teams was striking. A more experienced opponent would likely have presented more of a challenge. It's good that the Lambs' new jammer corps got some experience, as I'm sure they will face some tough matchups as the season progresses.

• Turning to the blockers for the Lambs, I will begin with a confession. I usually watch the pack very closely, as my days on the offensive line gave me a keen appreciation for the battle in the trenches. While I didn't ignore the pack this time around, I did find my attention diverted at times by the stellar jamming. Geez Louise had her best performance to date, laying down the law with some monster hits. It also seemed like her speed and conditioning were better, as I recall her struggling to keep up with the pack at times last season. I noticed some excellent offensive blocking from her as well, so Geez Louise deserves credit for an excellent two-way game. She also deserves a bill from Circle City for some heating pads, Flex-all, and ibuprofen.

• Another blocker who stood out was newcomer Envy MiYoni, who often served as the pivot. As I mentioned earlier, I thought that the CRG pack played very intelligently. It changed speeds well and trapped opposing blockers to get some 20-foot calls. Not only does Envy deserve credit for directing the pack, she also had a fine effort in terms of individual blocking. She is tall and thin, and I wondered if she would be able to control enough space to be the last line of defense at the front of the pack. Experience watching a pivot like Blu Bayou should have told me that quickness and smarts could easily make up for a lack of girth. Envy slid effortlessly to the inside of the track on many occasions, sealing off a Circle City jammer to allow the rest of the pack to re-establish positioning.

• Veteran Lambs The Librarian and Nik Jagger were quietly effective within the pack. At first, I wondered if Nik was having an off night, as I didn't notice the big hits that are emblematic of her game. As I watched more closely, it occurred to me that the pack was functioning so effectively in slowing the opposing jammers that there were simply fewer opportunities for big, open-rink collisions. One of the primary factors in the smooth play of the interior pack was the play of The Librarian. It seemed that every time a Circle City jammer slowed and disappeared into a group of bodies, she was at the heart of it, skating low and spread out to control a major swath of the track.

• Overall, the matchup between the Lambs and the Socialites was not close. The ladies from Indy kept the game in reach for the first 5 or 10 minutes, but it quickly slipped away as the Lambs executed their game plan. If my recollection holds, Circle City scored only 5 points over the final 28 to 30 minutes of the 40-minute bout, and the game ended in a 112-30 CRG victory. While Circle City did appear overmatched, the seeds of a bright future were apparent. Even though I focus primarily on CRG skaters, a few Socialites made an impression. Faye Stunaway skated very fluidly and seemed to have both an excellent track awareness and great physical talent. Megan Enemies looked like an all-around building block for future success, and Anya Booty kept grinding it out on the jammer line. This squad will need some time and an infusion of more talent to compete with a team the likes of the Silent Lambs, but the potential is there.

• Finally, I must offer my prayers and best wishes to CRG's Shirley Temptya in her recovery from a brutal injury sustained with a mere 0.4 seconds remaining in the game. The incident happened almost directly opposite from our seats, so I did not see it well, but we could tell that she went down very awkwardly. To a former football player, the way she pulled off and flung her helmet was telling. It was the act of someone in immense pain and frustration, and an act I have experienced firsthand, lying on the field and waiting for the trainers. She was loaded onto a stretcher, and she waved to the fans as heartfelt cheers escorted her from the track area. I later discovered that she had broken both her tibia and fibula, and a tough recovery is likely in store.

• After a short break and a trip to the concession stand, it was time for the "A" game, which featured CRG's Black Sheep against the visiting San Diego Wildfires. These teams had played late last season in San Diego, with CRG posting a win on the familiar flat track. The teams played again the next day on a banked track, and the Sheep were defeated in their first ever banked track game. San Diego featured some well-known names in the derby world, such as Ivanna S. Pankin and Trish the Dish, so I was excited to see the visitors play.

• While CRG had a number of outstanding performances, two skaters stood out the most. I'll begin with my pick for the CRG MVP (PDQ!). Trauma had an awesome performance. Taking over a primary pivot position from the recently-retired Blu Bayou, Trauma proved to be a worthy successor. She did an excellent job holding the pack together, especially in light of CRG's chronic penalty issues. She seemed a bit quicker than I remembered, and I sensed confidence in her actions and body language. I was very proud and impressed that the raw promise of "Trauma Queen" way back in her first B-team bout had developed into the skill and leadership Trauma brought to the Sheep. Any fan who has seen Trauma skate knows to expect some really nice hits, and she did not disappoint this time around. While the increased skill level and tactical awareness of an A game tend to somewhat limit the explosive collisions on open track, I'm certain that a few Wildfires skaters returned to the left coast with not-so-fond memories of Trauma. Simply put, Trauma did everything CRG could ask of a pivot.

• In terms of jammers, K Lethal had many great moments. She was the best Sheep jammer overall, and she showcased the jaw-dropping moves that fans have come to expect when she wears the star. I don't have the actual stats, but my guess is that she was the top scorer for CRG. With her combination of speed and toughness, she is a "wrecking ball" jammer in the style of Sadistic Sadie. K Lethal also demonstrated a knack for blocking, as all four of the jammers in CRG's rotation contributed even without the star. If the bout had been 50 minutes long, she would have garnered my vote for overall MVP. Unfortunately, some costly jammer penalty time in the game's final minutes took a bit of the shine away from her performance.

• Turning to the other Black Sheep jammers, the artist formerly known as Hannah Barbaric (now Hannah Ouchocinco) had a typically strong all-around game. She has surprising power for her size, to complement excellent speed and a knack for exploiting fleeting holes in the blocking. Hannah also managed to avoid the penalty problems that plagued CRG's other jammers. Nuk'em's performance didn't alter the opinion I formed after seeing her in a B game last year. She is still very talented, with speed and power to spare. Unfortunately, she was also still erratic, whiffing badly on a couple of attempts at big hits and giving up too many power jams by getting sent to the box.

• It's rare to type three paragraphs about the Black Sheep without discussing Sadistic Sadie's performance. After the bout, some fans on Facebook were critical of her for taunting and playing games with the San Diego jammers instead of going all out to score points. For the most part, I disagree with those criticisms. On at least one occasion, Sadie frustrated the opposing jammer into taking a stupid back-blocking penalty and yielding a power jam. Other times, she brought the action to a halt and allowed CRG to get blockers back from the penalty box without giving up points. Was this the best Sadie performance I've seen? Certainly not, as she did not rack up points in her usual fashion. She also joined her teammates in serving some time in the sin bin as a jammer. As she skated past us on the way to the box, we heard her yell to the referee something like "Good sir, I believe that your assessment of a penalty was erroneous." Still, from where I was sitting, Sadie played a strong tactical game, both as a jammer and as a blocker.

• Other CRG performances of note include Sk8r-Kinney, who anchors the front of the pack and never seems to be out of position. June With a Cleaver is a smart blocker, and she was one of the few Black Sheep to avoid excessive penalty time. Karma Krash played a solid two-way game, and Buckhead Betty provided some much needed muscle in the absence of Panterrorize. It was great to see Sista Sacrilicious back on the track and skating well. Overall, the CRG pack was decent, but nowhere near the dominating performances I have seen on some occasions. Most certainly, penalties were the primary culprit. Also, it's very difficult to compensate for the loss of standout pack performers such as Panterrorize, Blu Bayou, and Mae C. Stars (who Mae C. the delivery room in the near future). I have every reason to believe that CRG will grow from here and be better in the pack as the season continues.

• As you may have guessed from the tone of the last few paragraphs, the Black Sheep dropped a very competitive game. The first half saw multiple lead changes, often due to high-scoring power jams. San Diego's Steely Jan put up 18 points in one instance, which gave the Wildfires a lead they held for all of one jam. As the game progressed into the early stages of the second half, I got the impression that CRG would slowly pull away to a safe, if not comfortable, lead. To that point, the game had been well-played in general, but penalties on both sides were pervasive. With roughly 10 or 15 minutes remaining in the game, things got ugly. Discipline lapsed on both sides, and there was a constant procession of skaters in and out of the penalty box, especially jammers. Unfortunately, this rash of jammer misconduct hit the Black Sheep more demonstrably, and San Diego was able to build a small lead (10 points or so) with roughly 3 minutes to play. At that point, skaters were in and out of the box so frequently that I couldn't really follow the action, and K Lethal took the jammer star to the box with just over 2 minutes remaining. Owen and I kept asking each other why she wasn't coming out of the box, as the game slipped away and the Wildfires padded their eventual margin of victory. I was under the impression that penalties lasted one minute, but she sat there for two. A final jam started with no CRG jammer, and San Diego took lead and called it off for the win.

• Unfortunately, the refrain was familiar: if not for the penalties, they would have won. Jammer penalties seem to be the biggest obstacle in the way of CRG making a jump to the highest level of competition. Yet, none of this takes away from a very strong performance by San Diego. I was very impressed by Steely Jan on the jammer line, as well as by Kiki DiAzz and Bonnie D Stroyer. Dahmernatrix stood out among the blockers, both with some memorable hits and with her overall two-way play.

So with the specifics out of the way, let's move on to my overall impressions of the evening. I mentioned earlier that there were no more than 1,000 spectators present for the start of the B game. By the start of the A game, the stands were very full, and the arena got very loud for the introductions. After the bout, CRG reported a record-breaking attendance of over 3,100. Even though the crowd was larger than usual, its behavior was typical for the Gardens. The fans were rather quiet for the most part, but when CRG got lead jammer, the noise erupted. Toward the end of the A game, one could hear boisterous booing when a CRG skater went to the penalty box.

Possibly my favorite part of the night was talking to some of the CRG skaters before, during, and after the bouts. Miss Print was, as always, friendly. She stopped by before the bout, just before the A game, and afterwards to talk. I introduced her to Owen and she answered some of his questions about their practice schedule and such. The Librarian also stopped to chat during the A game, and we could tell she was pumped from the great performance by the Lambs. We later scored a "shush" picture for Owen. After the bouts, Owen (a huge Bengals fan who was wearing a Bengals shirt) wanted to meet Hannah, so we waited behind the throngs of young autograph seekers and finally got a picture of the two of them.

I wanted to congratulate Trauma on her great performance, so we located her. She was so incredibly sweet, and talking with her absolutely made my night. I told her that we had met after her first bout, but she didn't recall it. I am actually "friends" with her on the Internet ghost town of Myspace, dating back to that bout. Our last stop, as previously mentioned, was to chat with Bex Pistol. She was very friendly and willing to share her knowledge. Plus, she has a great smile! How could I possibly think I could "break up" with an awesome bunch like that?

As the crowd dissipated, we made our way to the car. An uneventful trip home left me arriving to walk the dog at 1:30am, exhausted but happy. I can't wait for my next chance to see CRG. Ain't love grand?

They don't write 'em like that anymore.

Quite a while back, Miss Print of the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) penned a "Valentine to Roller Derby" in her blog. It was creative, heartfelt, and expertly crafted. While I can't hope to match her work in those terms, today I write to CRG on a more wistful note.



Dear CRG,


It doesn't seem all that long ago that I met you. It was one of those chance encounters: I was in Cincinnati to visit my old friends, the Reds, and found myself with nothing to do on a Saturday night. You were hosting a get-together for a thousand or so of your closest friends at this cool old building, so I decided to show up and see what it was all about. Well, I certainly don't have to tell you that it was love at first sight. There you were: the center of attention, confident, strong, smart, and certainly athletic. That first night opened my eyes to new possibilities and left me spellbound. For a while, I'm sure that I was on the verge of stalkerdom, searching for information about you online and trying to learn more about you. Sure, you were very different back then. You were in an individualistic phase, trying to find your identity. Your fashions ran from flight suits to camo, and while it seemed like you had dozens of different personalities, it appeared that they were all just trying to have fun.




When I returned to Toledo, still buzzing from a great weekend, I gathered up the courage to write to you. I was sure that with everything you had going on, my words wouldn't move you. To my surprise, you responded and seemed genuinely happy to have my attention. While I knew that you had countless other suitors, I felt like an important part of your world. While logic would have told me that a long-distance relationship was foolish, I thought the fact that I was willing to travel hours to see you made me unique. We kept talking throughout that fall and winter, and I couldn't wait to make the road trip and see you again in the spring. When I finally got back to visit, I could tell that things were changing. Gone were the funky clothes, replaced by a more "corporate" look. Your internal conflicts now seemed secondary to a desire to battle the best that the outside world had to offer. Still, the things that attracted me to you were on full display. You continued to have fun, while basking in the affection of your ever-growing group of friends and groupies. Your talents continued to develop, and I spoke of your virtues to anyone who would listen. You were on the verge of something big, and I was excited to be along for the ride. I was both surprised and honored when you held a seat for me in your inner circle, and I looked for ways to get closer and to show my appreciation. As a gentleman, I was happy to always pick up the tab for the tickets, food, and drinks. I even tried to buy gifts, like shirts and donations to your causes, to let you know I cared. Coupled with my travel costs to visit, those things added up, but I have always felt that you were worth it. Imagine how overjoyed I was when I learned that at your next gathering, you would single me out as your "fan of the game." Unfortunately, life intervened, and I missed my trip that weekend, choosing to stay with someone special who was in the hospital here. You had even prepared a gift for me, a shirt autographed by my favorite budding superstars. You said you'd send it to me, and my spirits lifted. Knowing that it might be months before I'd see you again, I looked expectantly at the mailbox after work every day. Days, weeks, and even months passed, but it never arrived.




I put that disappointment aside and began to make plans for my next trip down I-75. You were entertaining guests from Carolina, and they were very highly regarded in your sport. To add to the excitement, you were about to break through and reach the national consciousness, due to a visit by sports monolith ESPN to tape footage at that very bout. Although I was jealous of that kind of spotlight (I've wanted to be on ESPN since there was an ESPN), I could not contain my pride in you, and I made sure that all my friends knew to watch when the piece aired. Well, it turned out that you hit the heights in more ways than one that evening, defeating a team ranked in the top five nationally and earning kudos from throughout the derby world. By that time, I had worked hard and studied to gain a good knowledge of your sport, and I thought that I finally had something of value to offer you. I used the eye for sports strategy that had been honed over 25 years of playing and watching baseball, football, basketball, and others. I analyzed your performance, hoping both to give you an edge in future bouts and to show the world my appreciation for your skills. I spent hours preparing copious notes and trying to distill them into a form that would inspire others to follow you. At first, I shared them only with you, unsure of the quality of my observations. I was proud when they matched those of the "insiders," and I began to make arrangements to visit you on the road, at a big tournament in Madison.


I had always been interested in learning more about who you were. I knew that there were so many pieces and personality traits that make up our CRG, and I had barely gotten to know any of them. Some parts of you were more foreign to me, like the abundant tattoos and piercings that you displayed to the world. You spoke with many different voices, and I found that fascinating. I did my best to connect with as many as possible, but I found that some of them didn't (or wouldn't) speak to me. Others had a polite demeanor, but offered nothing personal. Still, the parts of you that did welcome me were wonderful. I still have on my desk at home that playful picture of you telling me to "shush" after a bout. You helped me arrange my tickets to the bouts and were glad to lend me your expertise afterward to build my knowledge. I had hoped that my trip to Madison would allow me to get to know more of the different sides of you. Again, however, a last-minute illness derailed my travels.


After many months apart, I had another opportunity to see you away from Cincy. I recall driving in a snowstorm to Grand Rapids, Michigan, to watch you skate. Do you remember that horrible, drafty little building where the bout was held? Still, seeing you was worth it. You won yet again and my connection to the athletic side of you was rekindled. Unfortunately, things were hectic, and we didn't get to talk much. I decided that it was time to share my observations with everyone, and I began to write blog entries about your bouts. I was not above taking your play to task, but I made sure that any roller derby virgin who might be reading would see my passion for you and your sport. A trip to Cincy in May was nice, but you had an off night on the track. I figured we'd get a chance to hang out and chat at the after-party. Even though I'm not the type who spends much time in bars, I wanted to make every effort to socialize. For many reasons, we never hit it off at Grammer's. I was too shy to intrude (and now I have Kajagoogoo stuck in my head), and you seemed to be struggling to deal with the bout's outcome. You stuck close to the familiar comfort of close friends and family. Most of all, I was struck by the fact that I was an outsider. By virtue of not living near you, I have missed out on just about every opportunity to get to know you away from the oval. This is nobody's fault; it's simply reality. I began to understand that I would never be more than that wacky guy who drives from Toledo. Nonetheless, I went home and wrote about the bout and my experiences, more for cathartic value than anything.


From the beginning of the spring, I had June 20 marked on my calendar. I would be taking a good friend (and derby virgin) to your bout to meet you. The next day, I would watch my first love, the Chicago White Sox, play in Cincy. Your play was magnificent, and I did get the pleasure of getting to know a different part of you after the bout. You were concerned about coming up with the money to travel around the country and play bouts throughout the fall, and you had decided to hold a date auction. This seemed perfect for me. Even if I had to pay for the privilege, I would be able to spend some quality time with you out of your skates. I put in some bids and was excited to hear that I would get to join you at a minor-league baseball game. Mixing roller derby and baseball is about half a step short of heaven for me, so I contacted your representative to make the plans. I let her know that my opportunities to attend the game were limited to a handful of weekends, due to my need to travel to Dayton. I even said that I would be willing to donate the amount of my bid even if we couldn't work something out, since I'm always glad to support you in reaching your goals. After a long delay, I received a brief message, thanking me for my willingness to donate and offering a vague promise that you were working on checking your schedule. To this day, that is the last I heard of the entire affair. I did send my check today, knowing that it's now far too late in the season to set up a baseball night.


So, that brings us to the present. I've heard all of the speeches before, so I won't insult your intelligence with any of the lines. "It's not you, it's me," is so degrading. I think it's time that I move on and stop seeking something from you that you can't give. Long-distance relationships are tough, and it's not surprising that we weren't able to make more of a personal connection. You have given me a lot of happiness over the last two years, and I obviously still think very highly of your skills, smarts, and athleticism. I know that you have bigger and better things ahead, and I will always look forward to news of your accomplishments. You have simply grown in a different direction: Citius, Altius, Fortius. You are no longer the ragtag newcomer, seeking identity and respect, and I'm proud of you for what you have achieved. In that struggle to advance, it is essential that you leave some things behind. I doubt that this is truly "goodbye," as I will do my best to stop by and say hello if I am in town when you have a bout. I just can no longer justify the time, effort, and expense to be a "superfan" for someone who does not share my enthusiasm. I am just crazy enough to try again with rollergirls, but perhaps I will focus a bit closer to home. The Glass City Rollers are just starting up, and maybe they could use someone like me. Now and always, I wish you happiness and success in the pursuit of your goals.





Sincerely,
George

Hot Town, Summer in the City

[Actually posted 7/3/09]

Apologies to all that it took almost two weeks to finally post this once I got home. Much of it was written within the first few days, but the remainder lingered until just now. Many factors led to the delay, including a busy span at both jobs, a four-day visit by my dad and his wife, and just a touch of writer's block. By the way, I will also be resorting to these same excuses if the quality of my writing lags a bit this time around. Be forewarned.

The weekend of June 20-21 saw the official return of summer and my return to Cincinnati for another Rollergirls / Reds doubleheader. This time around, I was fortunate to have some company, as my good friends decided to take their small children (a toddler and an infant) on a road trip and join me for various parts of the weekend's festivities. After dropping the dog off for her weekend play date, I left the Glass City on Saturday morning for the usual smooth jaunt down I-75. I drove separately from the others, with only my newly-installed XM satellite radio for companionship. I'm sure that as time goes by (which is a song I actually heard while flipping past the "Movie Soundtracks" station), I will branch out and discover many other stations. This time, however, I only needed the 80's station, the 90's station, Radio Margaritaville, and the baseball scores and previews station to make my three-plus hours in the car fly by.

The first order of business early Saturday afternoon was a visit to the Newport Aquarium. I made my way down to the Levee (not dry at all, Don MacLean, you lying SOB!) with minimal difficulty and found a reasonably convenient place to park. My only real experience with that side of the river had been almost two years ago, when I took the riverboat lunch cruise, so I had never seen the aquarium nor the surrounding shops. The aquatic wonders notwithstanding, I was quite underwhelmed by Newport on the Levee. For those of you familiar with the Toledo area, it reminded me of the overblown sprawl of Levis Commons in Perrysburg, only split into multiple levels. In fact, even the stores and attractions were straight out of the Levis playbook (Funny Bone comedy club, Johnny Rockets, Bar Louie, and such). Burning half a tank of gas to visit a paint-by-numbers upscale mall did not thrill me, so I had high hopes that a couple of hours with various sharks, fish, and turtles would salvage the afternoon.

Having grown up in the Chicago area, I realize that my standards for musea and attractions tend to be impossibly high. Nonetheless, I found the Newport Aquarium decent at best. Some of the exhibits, such as the jellyfish room, the giant turtles, and the shark rays swimming overhead, were quite impressive. Unfortunately, it seems that the overall design and comfort of the place detracted from the experience. Upon paying the $20 admission fee (and even $13 for a two-year-old!), the visitor enters the building and immediately descends an escalator into the third circle of Dante's Inferno (erroneously labeled on my map as an exhibit area). Our group of intrepid undersea explorers consisted of three adults, one happy infant in a backpack-like carrier, and one extremely rambunctious two-year-old boy, who immediately did his best to disappear into the crowd of people who rendered the narrow hallways nigh impassable. The aquarium is designed so that visitors must follow a set path from the entrance to the exit, making it very difficult for those who want to see specific aspects of the exhibits, as well as for those who have young children or would like to find the snack bar or restroom within the first hour of attendance. After about ten minutes of our aquatic adventure, I already wished that I had been charged an extra dollar or two to cover the cost of better climate control. A 90-degree day outside in June is par for the course, but 85 in a crowd of people indoors made me a bit cranky. Still, the kids had fun, and I did enjoy the sights. It's no match for the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago or the Miami Seaquarium, but one could do worse for kid-friendly entertainment.

After a quick layover at our hotel (a Red Roof Inn located in Florence, KY), my friend's wife and kids left for Dayton to meet some friends and see a Dragons baseball game. For my friend (a college fraternity brother) and me, it was time to heed the advice of The Lovin' Spoonful: "At night it's a different world, go out and find a girl." What better place to find girls than at an all-female roller derby bout? Moreover, the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) were holding a Date Auction to raise money for their travel season, which includes bouts in exotic locales like San Diego and, um, Pittsburgh. While a married man might run into a bit of trouble for spending the diaper money on a night out with three or four derby girls, I was under no such restriction.

And now, my customary look at the hits (as delivered by the Misses) of a night at the derby:

• We arrived at the Cincinnati Gardens just after the doors opened, at 6pm, and easily found a good (and free!) parking spot. Once again, the wonderful Miss Print had gone out of her way to make our experience great. This time around, she not only arranged to have our tickets available at Will Call, but also reserved two excellent seats for us in the first row of the "Flock" section of floor seats. As opposed to my chosen seat location last time, this position allowed both a great view of the action and the ability to see the running score and time on the opposite wall. It was still difficult to discern what the announcers were saying, even though we sat no more than twenty feet away from their table. As usual, the entire staff at the Gardens was accommodating and friendly.
• As we waited for the action to begin, I did my best to prepare my friend for what he was about to see. We went over the basic rules and scoring, and I told him some of my observations about the various skaters from previous bouts. While perusing the programs, we saw a lot of new names and faces on CRG's Silent Lambs (B-Team) squad, but no sign of The Librarian. After a few minutes, we saw her walking by, and she stopped to say hello. We discovered that she was out of action due to a knee injury. As veterans of surgeries and knee braces, my friend and I exchanged a nod and sympathized with her. She still seemed in great spirits and was friendly as always. I could tell that my friend was optimistic about having a good time at the derby, but that he hadn't really gotten into the atmosphere just yet. I introduced him to the Librarian, calling him a "derby virgin." She flashed that great smile and said, "We'll just have to pop your cherry then." He cracked up, and from that point, I knew he would be hooked.
• A quartet of men performed the Star-Spangled Banner, and it was outstanding. Perhaps it was a nod to Father's Day, as I am accustomed to females and women's groups getting the nod for most such activities at CRG bouts. Unlike at the bout against Madison, which coincided with Mother's Day and featured massages and activities for moms, there was no mention at all of the dads out there, and the chosen charity for the evening was related to women's cancer issues. I understand that this is a sport played by women, some of whom are mothers, but I thought it was tacky to not show some appreciation to the fathers as well. I think Major League Baseball strikes the right note, raising money for breast cancer research on Mother's Day and for prostate cancer research on Father's Day.
• The first bout of the evening featured the B-Teams, with CRG's Silent Lambs hosting Ohio Rollergirls' (OHRG's) Gang Green. The visitors arrived from Columbus notably shorthanded, as almost half of Gang Green's skaters (5 out of 11, as listed in the game program) were also on tap to skate for the all-stars in the night's second contest. In contrast, the Lambs' roster featured 20 skaters, none of them destined for double duty.
• The Lambs showed better consistency than usual, rarely having an off jam. They were able to play the bruising, defensive style for which they are known, while also kicking up the tempo for a few high-octane, multiple-grand-slam turns. This breakout game was all the more notable for several reasons. First, the Lambs were playing with an inordinate number of first-time CRG skaters, from veterans of other leagues like Buckhead Betty to rookies like Guided By Vices and Manic Janet (forgive me if anyone i cite as first-timers actually skated against Grand Raggidy, as I missed that bout). In light of the expanded roster, it was a testament to CRG's training and coaching staff that the Lambs' cohesiveness and pack discipline were outstanding. Additionally, as I mentioned earlier, about half of OHRG's B-Team was actually made up of all-stars like Dixie Heartless, Jaden Blayz, and Kill Basa. Finally, with the temperature and humidity in the Gardens hovering somewhere between Amazon Rain Forest and Blast Furnace, the Lambs maintained their strong play in the face of difficult and draining conditions. For you football players out there, think "first day of two-a-days in full pads" and you'll get the idea.
• As one might expect, a game that featured great overall play also overflowed with excellent individual performances. Chief among them for the Lambs was that of Jungle Lacy. Faithful readers of this blog know that I have praised her skill on many occasions. She is a true two-way threat, quick and smart on the jammer line and getting the most out of her small stature as a very effective blocker. In many previous games, it seemed that CRG had not given her enough opportunities to shine, but on this night, she took regular turns wearing the star and outclassed any other jammer either team had to offer. She displayed some wicked moves, and enough toughness to make me believe that she's slumming in rooting for a soft team like the Bengals.
• On the blocking side, it was no surprise that veteran Nik Jagger again set the tone for a solid and tough CRG pack. She continues to dish out many of the best hits for her squad (including an unfortunate friendly-fire collision with Cherry Choke), but she's not by any means a one-dimensional, all-or-nothing player. She is rarely caught out of position, and shows the same adroit skill with the subtle, strategic maneuvers inside a tight pack as she does with the crushing, open-track annihilation.
• It's difficult to single out individual blockers when so much credit is owed to the great teamwork on display, but some others certainly grabbed our attention. Mirderher had perhaps her best performance in all of the bouts I have seen, both in providing solid blocks and in playing good offense, using whips and setting picks to free CRG's jammers. Bex Pistol doesn't seem to garner much attention, but she should. She plays a smart game within the pack, and she showcased some strong skating throughout this bout. Much like a good offensive lineman in football, a good blocker in derby rarely gets the recognition she deserves, as the things she contributes to the team are often missed by casual observers. From two fans who used to battle in the trenches on the gridiron, cheers to Bex Pistol and all of CRG's blockers for a quietly outstanding performance.
• As a film buff who believes that Bull Durham is the greatest movie ever made, I took notice of one of CRG's new skaters. Well, to be fair, it was tough to miss her. When I saw Nuk'em out on the track, I wondered if her name was inspired by Ebby Calvin "Nuke" LaLoosh, the wickedly talented but inconsistent rookie pitcher in the film. LaLoosh prompted this exchange between his manager and pitching coach:

  Joe Reardon: He walked 18.
  Larry: New league record!
  Joe Reardon: Struck out 18.
  Larry: Another new league record! In addition he hit the sportswriter, the public address announcer, the bull mascot twice...
  [Joe laughs]
  Larry: Also new league records! But, Joe, this guy's got some serious shit.

Nuk'em was all over the track, constantly going for the knockout hit. When the haymakers connected, it was a sight to behold, and the fans went wild. I hope that CRG's rookie can maintain her fire and ferocity, while adding the discipline to avoid ending up 25 feet out of position when she whiffs on a block. CRG has a lot of savvy veteran "Crash Davis" types, so I am optimistic that Nuk'em will harness her talent and become an effective all-around player.

• In terms of the jammers, The Lambs got excellent efforts from Polly Rocket (the best I've seen from her yet) and Cherry Choke, whose talent I have sadly overlooked in the past. Miss Print played Jekyll and Hyde for the bout, alternating very good jams with frustrating trips during which she could not escape the pack. Glamour Azz once again took the star for a single, memorable jam, continuing to cement her status as a fan favorite.
• Although the Gang Green vs. Silent Lambs bout featured some early give-and-take, CRG's superior depth and discipline were on display and its lead slowly expanded, bolstered by hard-fought defensive battles and the occasional double-digit jam alike. The Silent Lambs cruised to a convincing victory, 84-49.
• In the evening's Main Event, the OHRG All-Stars battled the homestanding CRG Black Sheep in a WFTDA bout. The Sheep, boasting a #4 ranking in the North Central Region and national prominence among the sport's cognoscenti, were expected to handily dispatch the lightly-regarded OHRG squad. Much like underdog Rocky Balboa in the original film, however, "[OHRG didn't] know it's a damn show! [They thought] it's a damn fight!" OHRG seemed to have read CRG's playbook before the bout, playing tough defense and strategically calling off jams after tallying a quick three or four points. Near the midway point of the first half, the crowd was subdued and I began to wonder if the Black Sheep were headed for a staggering upset defeat, as the OHRG team maintained a tenuous lead. I'm not exactly sure what changed at that point. Perhaps the Sheep realized they were in a battle and played harder, or superior talent (as it usually does) rose to the surface over time, or the overworked OHRG skaters began to wilt in the heat. Whatever the reason, CRG suddenly took control of the bout and never looked back. For the final 45 minutes of the bout, CRG looked like a team that deserved a place in the national spotlight, mixing individual talent and outstanding teamwork with a dash of style. The Sheep ended up posting a convincing victory, 100-49.
• Much as with the Lambs, the heroes on the Sheep side were numerous. Still, it would be wrong to start anywhere but with Sadistic Sadie. The vicious, fast, powerful, taunting Sadie that we know and love was on display, as she led all scorers for the evening. While I have no doubt that she could have a huge impact on the game without ever wearing the star, it was good to see Sadie back in the saddle as a frequent jammer. She showed the full range of skills on this night, sprinting off when necessary and changing speed and tactics frequently, to frustrate the opposition. OHRG's drrty grrl, who seemed to be the skater OHRG relied on as a top jammer, was completely held in check, mainly by virtue of a consistent match-up with Sadie on the jammer line. drrty grrl tried to stay in the match, an increasingly futile pursuit, giving little dance moves while entering and leaving the track and trying to keep her team pumped up. At one point on the jammer line, waiting for a whistle, she even started grinding on Sadie a bit from behind, simultaneously showing her frustration at being blocked out by Sadie and her head games and fulfilling the fantasies of many in attendance.
• Both Hannah Barbaric and K Lethal continued their string of powerful performances this season, easily carrying their share of the load as jammers. K Lethal did her best "Sadie Junior" impersonation at times, opting for some jammer-on-jammer action in lieu of grabbing a few more points. Dr. McDerby and Candy KICKass took some turns with the star as well, among others who got a stray jam as the game got out of hand.
• The blocking for the Black Sheep was strong as usual. Blu Bayou once again stood out as the most effective pivot. She is most certainly the total package, combining tremendous physical gifts with a head for in-game strategy. Often, basketball coaches speak of the most talented point guards as being like "coaches on the floor." Great pivots fill this role as well, and in my experience, none does it better than Blu Bayou.
• A pair of former Gem City Rollergirls had outstanding nights as blockers, as Black Sheep captain Ruff'n The Passer and Killian Destroy took care of business in the pack. While neither has a lot of size, both use exceptional balance and technical skating prowess to deliver some hits and control the pack. While both Ruff'n and Killian played solid defense as well, they really stood out on offense, as the Black Sheep turned their blockers loose to open up some major holes for the jammers. Even though OHRG lacked the consistently strong defensive presence of many of the top teams, it was good to see CRG preparing for those top squads by letting their blockers work on playing the two-way game.
• At times, the Black Sheep jammers politely declined the help from their teammates, choosing instead to fly by blockers, showcasing some of the most wicked moves I have seen. Way back in the olden days of high school football, I was on the receiving end of a juke by current Eagles QB Donovan McNabb that I still occasionally replay in my mind. I remember the helpless feeling of being completely overmatched in terms of speed and skill. As much talent as it took McNabb to move that way on cleats, imagine it on wheels! Hannah, K Lethal, and all of CRG's jammers brought back the wonder of seeing those kinds of moves up close. My memory fails me as to who performed this feat, but after one ridiculous juke right in front of our seats, I turned to my friend and said "If she (the OHRG blocker) were wearing a jock, she would have been faked out of it." I defy anyone to come to a bout and see action like that, then walk out and claim that roller derby is not a real sport.
• Lest anyone think that the night completely belonged to CRG's skaters, I must mention a few standouts from OHRG. Overall, I was very impressed by Jaden Blayz, who put in a long night of work, but always seemed equal to the task. Dixie Heartless brought a lot of skill and toughness for OHRG, and Kitty Liquorbottom's skating matched her name for sheer derby awesomeness. OHRG also featured one skater whose appearance in the program made me take notice. I remembered Kill Basa as one of the very best of the Burning River Roller Girls from Cleveland, and it appears that she brought her "A" game down I-71 to Columbus with her. Again, my admiration to all of the girls from Columbus who took on double duty in sweltering conditions and never let up.
• After the bout, we stayed to thank Miss Print for setting up our tickets (unfortunately not getting much time to chat), and ended up finally getting to meet Nik Jagger. I absolutely loved talking with Nik, as she was extremely fun, friendly, and intelligent, providing excellent insights. In fact, I must say that after this bout, she has broken into the rarified air among Miss Print and The Librarian my absolute personal favorites from the world of derby.
• As it was closing in on 10pm by this time, I stopped by to check on the silent auction bidding. When last I saw the sheets, I was in the lead for two of the "dates," a movie night and a baseball game. I didn't hang around to watch down to the final minute, so we left not knowing if I had prevailed in buying some company for an evening (sounds pretty pathetic when you say it that way). The following Friday, I received a phone call from Sk8 Crime, informing me that I was the winning bidder on dinner and a Dayton Dragons baseball game. I believe that all of the skaters involved in that evening are former Gem City Rollergirls, so I'm sure they will be excellent hosts for my time in Dayton. I returned the phone call to confirm my bid, but only got voice mail, thus sparing me the strange feeling of saying "Hello, may I speak to Sk8 Crime?" Unfortunately, after leaving a second voice mail just yesterday, I have still heard nothing back in terms of setting up the event or arranging for my payment, so no word on the details just yet. Also, I assume that someone outbid me at the last minute on the dinner and movie night. I did not expect to have a chance at that one, as both Miss Print and The Librarian were featured on that one, and both of them always have vocal cheering sections at the game. At a minimum, I figured Mr. Librarian or an amorous Miss Print groupie would easily trump my bid. No matter who won that one, I'm sure the two ladies partook in a sigh of relief at being spared a night with me and whatever movie I chose (Doesn't "Ernest Goes to Camp 3" come out this summer?).

After the bout, we passed on stopping by the after-party and returned to the Red Roof, where a restful night awaited me and a long night with two small children in a hotel room awaited my friend and his wife. When I saw them in the lobby for breakfast the next morning, she was proudly sporting the new CRG t-shirt we had bought for her, and we figured out the plan for that afternoon's Reds game. I harbored no delusions that they would be able to last the full nine innings, with temperatures in the nineties and cranky kids in the forecast, but I was excited nonetheless.

We drove separately and made our way down to the riverfront. I got a great parking space inside the GABP garage, enjoying the only benefit of my gimpy leg, while they searched elsewhere. I took their older son to the Build a Bear Workshop inside the ballpark, and he chose a "Gapper" (a red, furry mascot for the Reds). The Gapper is a good deal, as it runs a mere $20 and includes a jersey and hat. The bears and other animals require an additional purchase to outfit them in Reds gear. They were offering a deal on sound chips to go inside the toys, so (after warning my friend that his wife may eventually murder him for this indiscretion) we opted to add one that plays "Charge!" and one that plays "Take Me Out to the Ballgame." I was later told that he didn't let go of that toy the entire ride home, and that they have been awoken by the sound chips on more than one occasion since.

Our seats were in the View Box level, my favorite spot in the GABP, and the view over the river was magnificent as ever. Bottles of water and sno-cones made the temperature seem no higher than 115 degrees, and I was loving life, sitting in a great ballpark with friends and watching my White Sox take an early lead on the Reds. The Reds were even nice enough to give me a free tie for Father's Day, even though I was wearing a Sox hat and am not a father, as far as I know. By the top of the fifth inning, the kids were hot and antsy, and my friends began to make their way home. Thanks to my die-hard Southside pride and a few blessed clouds, I was able to hang in for the entire contest. I was treated to an excellent performance by Mark Buehrle, as well as Paul Konerko's 1000th career RBI, as the ChiSox won by a margin of 4-1. This brought the Chicagoans' overall record to 14-3 versus the Reds in interleague play, including 3-0 in games I have attended.

By the time the game ended, the back of my neck was getting dirty and gritty, and the forlorn Reds fans were lookin' half dead, walkin' on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head. It was time to revel in the joy of another great Cincinnati weekend. My car seems to know the way home, and in no time, I was on I-75, tuning in another ballgame on the satellite radio. If all of that wasn't enough, I had one very excited little puggle waiting to see me when I got home. Never underestimate the happiness in life that comes from being loved, even if it's just by a little brown dog.

If you ever wonder, wonder whatever became of me...

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I cursed/graced the blog world with my presence (Two months? Where did all of that time go?). Apparently, I'm walking the road to hell, as I had the best intentions of writing consistently and finishing my ballpark ranking posts by Opening Day. Maybe I'll shoot for the All-Star break on that one, but LSAT season, the Blackhawks finally playing well deep into the spring, or any one of countless other excuses may derail even that plan.

Truth be told, I had only the vaguest intentions of writing about my experiences this weekend. The plan was to head down to Cincinnati for a day or two, just to clear my head a bit, and catch the best sports doubleheader going, Saturday night with the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) and Sunday afternoon at the Great American Ballpark. Ever since my recent disengagement, I had been looking for an excuse to get out of town, and this seemed perfect. The whole idea behind the trip was to avoid the level of thought necessary to write cogently. Armed with an overnight bag and a hotel reservation, my roller derby ticket awaiting at will-call, I left the Glass City shortly after teaching my Saturday morning class.

The trip down I-75 was brisk and uneventful, and I arrived at the Cincinnati Gardens just as planned, a few minutes before the doors opened at 6pm. Thanks to the lovely and talented Miss Print (seriously, if you have the chance, look into those eyes...wow!), I was able to stop at will-call on my way in and collect my floor seating ticket. I may have mentioned this before, but if you're over the age of 18 and can spare the extra $5 ($15, versus the $10 General Admission seats), by all means go for the trackside view. When the doors opened, I did not hesitate to look for the best seat available, knowing that I wanted to be in the front row and that many seats would already be reserved for friends and family of the rollergirls. I chose a seat in the front row, and if the oval track were a hockey rink, I would have been directly behind the goal. The teams' benches and the starting lines of the track were to my left, with the announcers at the far end of the ellipse, also to my left. As the skaters entered the track for pre-game warm-ups, both Miss Print and The Librarian graciously stopped by to welcome me. Little touches like this are a close second to the on-track action when it comes to why I choose to make the drive. As the derby girls began their sequence of preparatory skating drills, my visions of a clear-minded, carefree weekend rapidly dissipated. I couldn't help but think that this was my first ever roller derby bout without my ex-fiancee. As dozens of women on skates lined up on the floor to hear a women's choir perform the National Anthem, I silently chuckled to myself. Had I really planned to clear the estrogen-infused cobwebs in my head by attending the roller derby?

For those of you reading solely for my commentary on the bout, I'm sorry that you had to endure all of that. Now, on to the observations on the evening's action:

• The first game featured the CRG Silent Lambs (B-Team) hosting Madison's Team Unicorn (B-team). Aside from the cringe worthy green shirts with black numbers (almost impossible to read), I couldn't help but be impressed with the Unicorn squad. Some of the skaters had tails attached to their shorts and wore other horsey apparel. They brought with them a mascot, clad in a unicorn head and waving a large flag, who instantly gave me the impression that we were losing the war on drugs. They were talented skaters, but most of all, they had fun. The whole scene made me a bit wistful for the early days of Dames in flight suits, Corsets in camo, and a Librarian with teal panties sticking out as she shushed the crowd. The spirit and individuality that first drew me to CRG and roller derby was on full display by the visitors. I realize that CRG has a more "serious" or "professional" outlook now, as it aims to climb the rankings, but I was somewhat saddened by the more corporate feel of the new CRG. Kudos to Madison's Unicorns for showing that skating talent and fun individuality are not mutually exclusive.
• In terms of action, the Lambs-Team Unicorn bout featured some vicious hits. Nik Jagger, of the home team, was on both ends of some of the most ferocious contact. She absolutely wiped out a Madison jammer along the backstretch, sliding out from the inside track with an effortlessness that belied the explosiveness of the impact to come. Had it not been for a row of seats and a wall, the Madison skater might have made her way to the concourse for a mid-bout snack. Nik Jagger also took some shots that made me glad that I would not be her come Sunday morning.
• Madison's skaters truly dictated the action on the track, as they seemed to have a better and more cohesive game plan than the Lambs. Their pack had two speeds: slow and slower. This enabled their quick and powerful jammers to make their first trips through quickly, and it seemed like CRG was unprepared to deal with this strategy. Perhaps used to a different tempo and more time to communicate and set up blocks, CRG's pack repeatedly yielded lead jammer status. While the pack tightened up to provide improved defense (especially at the front) in time for the jammer's scoring pass, it had already ceded a substantial advantage to the visitors. As previously stated, it was difficult to discern the identities of individual Unicorns on the track. One jammer from the land of cheese, however, truly stood out. Mustang was skillful and quick, powerful and track-smart, and I wondered how great the A-team jammers would be if a talent like this was relegated to the J.V.
• CRG's Lambs, much like my beloved Chicago Bears of recent years, tend to win with stifling defense and just enough offense to get by. Unfortunately, Saturday night's performance did not provide nearly enough offense to overcome a strong opponent. CRG seemed content to attempt to wall off the front of the pack. I recall very few instances of a blocker coming back to play offense and assist the CRG jammers. None of the whips I saw from CRG occurred until long after the Madison jammer had cleared the pack, leaving the Lambs' jammers racing to play catch-up in almost every jam. I wondered if the CRG coaches had soccer backgrounds, as it seemed like they would be content to play to a zero-zero tie.
• The Silent Lambs were missing a few key players, notably top jammer Dr. McDerby. While it was fun to see The Librarian take the star early on, CRG jammers Polly Rocket, Miss Print, and Maim E. Van Gore'n (among others) struggled to navigate the pack. While this crew boasted some fast and nimble skaters, it was notably lacking in the power department. Jammers like those of the Lambs can be very effective with the right gameplan, but the lack of blockers to open holes in the Team Unicorn defense too often left the jammers bottled up, knocked out of bounds, and re-introduced to the Cincinnati Gardens floor.
• The other major factor that limited the Lambs' chances was the penalty situation. I don't know if it was the uneven officiating (more on that later) or just an off day for the Lambs, but it is difficult to remember many instances of a full contingent of CRG skaters on the track to start and finish a jam. I caught myself wondering why the CRG bench extended so far past the midpoint of the track, only to realize that the last three or four CRG players were in the penalty box. The problem of jammers in the box, which almost cost the Silent Lambs a victory in Grand Rapids, was too much to overcome against a strong Madison team. Sadly, as the bout progressed, I began to take notice when I looked up and actually saw a CRG jammer on the line to start a jam.
• My choice of seat rendered me unable to see the running score of this game, but from my mental tally, it was never really close. The crowd did its best to stay in the game, responding whenever the Lambs showed glimmers of hope. Possibly the loudest ovation of the day was reserved for a jam late in the second half, in which Glamour Azz wore the star (for the first time, to my knowledge). She brought a burst of energy that had long-since eluded the CRG squad, and the fans were appreciative. As she was not a regular jammer, I liken the scene to the end of a college basketball game. The seldom used walk-on gets into the action with a minute or two left, getting a rare opportunity to shine, and the buzz in the arena picks up. Everyone wants to see the diligent, hard-working reserve score, no matter that the outcome of the game was long since determined. Congrats to Glamour Azz on one of the shining moments of the game, as she took lead jammer and racked up a few points to stir the weary CRG partisans.
• After a break, it was on to the second bout of the night. In a WFTDA match-up, CRG's Black Sheep (#4 in the North Central Region) took on Madison's Dairyland Dolls (#3 in the same region). The fans came into the nightcap with renewed vigor, as CRG's A-Team took the floor. Unfortunately, the skaters rarely responded in kind. I was struck by the flat demeanor of the Black Sheep. In previous bouts, the Sheep had been the aggressors, full of fury, trash-talk, and slightly evil grins. This time around, the body language of the CRG squad foretold of trouble.
  
• Madison's Dolls came in with a very solid squad, and their pack worked quite well together. Unfortunately, due to many factors, I was unable to single out individuals for praise, but I left the Gardens believing that Madison was well-deserving of its ranking.
  
• In my recap of the bout in Grand Rapids, I mentioned that I was glad to see CRG showing enough depth at jammer to allow Sadistic Sadie to shed the star at times. Unfortunately, I think that the Sheep took this approach too far in this bout. Sadie didn't regularly take a place at the jammer line until the score was getting out of control. Jammers like Hannah Barbaric, Candy KickASS, and rookie standout K Lethal may be very talented, but Sadie is routinely the best player in the building, and CRG could have used a full night of jamming from its marquee star. Whether in a blocking role or as a jammer, it seemed that Sadie was more than a bit off in this bout. Dampened were the bursts of wicked speed and power, the intimidation, and the malicious joy in her face and body language. I kept hoping to see her force a cowering opposing jammer to call things off, rather than try a one-on-one pass. I thought back fondly at her skating backwards and blowing kisses to her foes. or doing the patented twirl-and-pass-the-star move. I can't help but wonder whether the transition from "The Sadie Show" to a balanced jamming line-up has been a victory for the "we-before-me" team mentality or a detriment to the game-changing power of its greatest player. As a fan of the Michael Jordan era Bulls, I know that there is something to be said for a good supporting cast, but when you have the greatest weapon in the game, you use it.
• Speaking of CRG's jammers, one of the few Black Sheep who had a truly outstanding performance was Hannah Barbaric. In some of last year's bouts, I thought that she didn't have the power and toughness to be a consistently strong jammer. She was too often knocked all over the track, her speed and potential bottled up. This year, however, things have definitely changed. Perhaps her blockers have had more time to adapt to her style and make her more effective, but I truly believe that she is using some tools that I (perhaps wrongly) thought she lacked previously.
• We ll know that the jammers get all of the glory. As a former offensive lineman, I know how little credit the blockers in the trenches often receive. For this reason, I really try to watch the pack for examples of praiseworthy blocking and pivotwork. While CRG's blockers had their share of solid moments, this was a disappointing performance overall. Some of the blame goes to penalty problems, but it just seemed like the entire team was off-stride. The normally-impervious front of the pack was merely decent, while the rear guard really struggled at times. I don't know if Madison's skill and game plan were truly overpowering, or if the CRG blocking was yet another example of the flat affect that permeated both CRG teams. Based on previous bouts, I think that either Philadelphia or Carolina would top Madison 9 times out of 10, and the Black Sheep had much more on display against both of those opponents. Just as in the first bout of the evening, this one was never really close, and CRG may well tumble in the rankings as a result.
• Finally, let's move on to some overall impressions of the night at the Gardens. First, the officiating was atrocious. It seems like the refs were in a constant state of confusion. Their penalty calls, to put it generously, strained credibility. The crowd rightly booed, and while it seemed that many of the bad calls went against CRG, the truth is that it was more a case of wild inconsistency than of any true bias.
• The announcers were just about impossible to hear. Well, they were easy to hear, but impossible to understand. While I was talking to Miss Print after the bout, a Pearl Jam song was playing. I thought it was very appropriate, since the whole evening for me was like a Pearl Jam show. It was very loud, but I couldn't understand any of the words.
• Half or more of the floor seats (including mine) are placed to have absolutely no view of the clock and scoreboard. For the entire first bout and most of the second, I had no idea of the actual score or time remaining. Is there some way to periodically post this information on the large overhead scoreboard? If not, I'll need to be more careful about selecting my seat next time.
• Everyone at the Gardens was very friendly and helpful, from the security, to the ticket takers and concession workers. A lot of other venues (I'm talking to you, artist formerly known as Jacobs Field) could take a lesson in customer service from these fine folks.

So, for those of you who care only about the derby, feel free to tune out now. After the bout, I decided that the time was right to finally attend a derby after-party. On numerous occasions, we had planned to check one out, but time, travel, or other considerations made it impossible. I had read good things about Grammer's, the venue for the CRG after-party, and had been encouraged by some of the skaters to attend. I had thought ahead and printed directions from the Gardens to Grammer's to my hotel, but still struggled to find the place. Aside from the downtown area, Cincinnati does a lousy job of illuminating its street signs, and my allegedly 15-minute drive took over 30 minutes including wrong turns. I finally found the bar and parked a couple of blocks down the street. Now, I've walked around on the South Side of Chicago before, and this didn't compare, but I certainly wondered if this would be the last time I saw my hubcaps. I couldn't locate the bar once I parked, so I got back in the car and drove around a bit until I found the fenced-in parking lot for Grammer's. Unfortunately, by the time I finally arrived, it was completely full. So, I once again made by way through the urban blight and found a slightly better street on which to park.

If you are just a random fan like me, as opposed to a friend or family member of one of the participants, I have one major piece of advice: do not, under any circumstances, attend the after-party. I knew absolutely no one, with the exception of my few acquaintances on the CRG teams, and I was bored out of my mind. After all of the hard work that goes into a night of roller derby, the participants want to be with their friends and family, not to entertain someone from out of town whom they barely know (or don't know at all). I made it into the bar, got a drink, and proceeded to hold up the wall for a while. Eventually, I did locate Miss Print (and later The Librarian), who was kind enough to take a few minutes out of her evening to chat. Still, if you're alone and out-of-town, the only things to gain from attending are the chance to people-watch (mildly entertaining) and to get drunk (not my style, and easy to do at any number of other locations anyway).

By 11:30 or so, I was glad to leave Grammer's and make the short drive to my hotel. I opted for a Quality Inn, just barely outside of downtown Cincy. It offered free parking and a much lower rate than the nicer places in the heart of downtown, and I had no real issues with anything pertaining to my stay. I slightly miscalculated the ease with which I could walk to the GABP, and instead took a taxi to the game, but otherwise was very pleased with my accommodations.

I arrived at the ballpark just before the gates opened and walked up to buy a ticket. I figured that the game would not sell out, so I might as well avoid the online Ticketbastard fees. I ended up sitting in the View Box seats (my absolute favorite and well worth the $22), in the front row, just to the first base side of home plate. The temperature couldn't have been much warmer than 70, but sitting in the direct sunlight, it felt like a sweltering midsummer day. After filling out the lineups on my scorecard and taking in the end of batting practice, I strolled up to the concourse to get some lunch. While everything else about the GABP is excellent, the food is average at best. I picked up a Big Red Smokey (no threat to the Comiskey Jumbo Kosher Dog or the Milwaukee Brat atop my list), a cinnamon pretzel, and a diet coke, thinking about what that $16 would have bought at a decent restaurant, and settled in for the game.

The pregame festivities included a lot of Mother's Day and Breast Cancer related happenings, and the players were using the pink bats (to be later auctioned to raise money). I was reminded of the funniest thing I ever saw on SportsPickle (an online sports news satire site). I won't post the actual joke here, but it had something to do with one of the main colors of baseball bats being "ash." The game itself had pockets of good action, surrounded by the slow death march of walks, pitching changes, and general slow play. By the 7th inning, every time I saw Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, a small part of me died. I was glad to be in attendance to see Reds' rookie third baseman Adam Rosales's first MLB home run, and Joey Votto added a nice pinch-hit, opposite-field blast. The game started at 1:10pm, and as the 8th inning drew to a close, the clock showed almost 4:45. I believe that both teams were scouring the lower deck box seats for potential pitchers by then, and I was getting writer's cramp from the constant lineup changes. I decided that with the Reds down 7-5, I had better begin my trip home, knowing that once I got back to my car, I still had a 3 1/2 hour drive ahead. Once I got onto I-75 North, I found the game on the radio, just in time to hear the Reds' Micah Owings (a rare pitcher with the talent to pinch-hit) blast a homer to tie the game at 7 in the bottom of the 9th. I was a bit upset that I had left too early to see it, but the Reds went on to lose in the 10th inning, 8-7. By the time the game ended, I was driving through Dayton, so I considered my choice to leave a sound one. I made it back to Toledo safely, carrying a memorable memento of my day at the ballpark: blazing-red arms and forehead. Also, I have just about the funniest tan lines (burn lines?) ever on my legs. Imagine that you went out to sunbathe while wearing kneepads. Now, flip the white and dark spots, and you have an accurate picture of my bright red knees.

All in all, the weekend was a mixed bag. Maybe you and me were never meant to be, but baby think of me once in a while.