If you ever wonder, wonder whatever became of me...

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I cursed/graced the blog world with my presence (Two months? Where did all of that time go?). Apparently, I'm walking the road to hell, as I had the best intentions of writing consistently and finishing my ballpark ranking posts by Opening Day. Maybe I'll shoot for the All-Star break on that one, but LSAT season, the Blackhawks finally playing well deep into the spring, or any one of countless other excuses may derail even that plan.

Truth be told, I had only the vaguest intentions of writing about my experiences this weekend. The plan was to head down to Cincinnati for a day or two, just to clear my head a bit, and catch the best sports doubleheader going, Saturday night with the Cincinnati Rollergirls (CRG) and Sunday afternoon at the Great American Ballpark. Ever since my recent disengagement, I had been looking for an excuse to get out of town, and this seemed perfect. The whole idea behind the trip was to avoid the level of thought necessary to write cogently. Armed with an overnight bag and a hotel reservation, my roller derby ticket awaiting at will-call, I left the Glass City shortly after teaching my Saturday morning class.

The trip down I-75 was brisk and uneventful, and I arrived at the Cincinnati Gardens just as planned, a few minutes before the doors opened at 6pm. Thanks to the lovely and talented Miss Print (seriously, if you have the chance, look into those eyes...wow!), I was able to stop at will-call on my way in and collect my floor seating ticket. I may have mentioned this before, but if you're over the age of 18 and can spare the extra $5 ($15, versus the $10 General Admission seats), by all means go for the trackside view. When the doors opened, I did not hesitate to look for the best seat available, knowing that I wanted to be in the front row and that many seats would already be reserved for friends and family of the rollergirls. I chose a seat in the front row, and if the oval track were a hockey rink, I would have been directly behind the goal. The teams' benches and the starting lines of the track were to my left, with the announcers at the far end of the ellipse, also to my left. As the skaters entered the track for pre-game warm-ups, both Miss Print and The Librarian graciously stopped by to welcome me. Little touches like this are a close second to the on-track action when it comes to why I choose to make the drive. As the derby girls began their sequence of preparatory skating drills, my visions of a clear-minded, carefree weekend rapidly dissipated. I couldn't help but think that this was my first ever roller derby bout without my ex-fiancee. As dozens of women on skates lined up on the floor to hear a women's choir perform the National Anthem, I silently chuckled to myself. Had I really planned to clear the estrogen-infused cobwebs in my head by attending the roller derby?

For those of you reading solely for my commentary on the bout, I'm sorry that you had to endure all of that. Now, on to the observations on the evening's action:

• The first game featured the CRG Silent Lambs (B-Team) hosting Madison's Team Unicorn (B-team). Aside from the cringe worthy green shirts with black numbers (almost impossible to read), I couldn't help but be impressed with the Unicorn squad. Some of the skaters had tails attached to their shorts and wore other horsey apparel. They brought with them a mascot, clad in a unicorn head and waving a large flag, who instantly gave me the impression that we were losing the war on drugs. They were talented skaters, but most of all, they had fun. The whole scene made me a bit wistful for the early days of Dames in flight suits, Corsets in camo, and a Librarian with teal panties sticking out as she shushed the crowd. The spirit and individuality that first drew me to CRG and roller derby was on full display by the visitors. I realize that CRG has a more "serious" or "professional" outlook now, as it aims to climb the rankings, but I was somewhat saddened by the more corporate feel of the new CRG. Kudos to Madison's Unicorns for showing that skating talent and fun individuality are not mutually exclusive.
• In terms of action, the Lambs-Team Unicorn bout featured some vicious hits. Nik Jagger, of the home team, was on both ends of some of the most ferocious contact. She absolutely wiped out a Madison jammer along the backstretch, sliding out from the inside track with an effortlessness that belied the explosiveness of the impact to come. Had it not been for a row of seats and a wall, the Madison skater might have made her way to the concourse for a mid-bout snack. Nik Jagger also took some shots that made me glad that I would not be her come Sunday morning.
• Madison's skaters truly dictated the action on the track, as they seemed to have a better and more cohesive game plan than the Lambs. Their pack had two speeds: slow and slower. This enabled their quick and powerful jammers to make their first trips through quickly, and it seemed like CRG was unprepared to deal with this strategy. Perhaps used to a different tempo and more time to communicate and set up blocks, CRG's pack repeatedly yielded lead jammer status. While the pack tightened up to provide improved defense (especially at the front) in time for the jammer's scoring pass, it had already ceded a substantial advantage to the visitors. As previously stated, it was difficult to discern the identities of individual Unicorns on the track. One jammer from the land of cheese, however, truly stood out. Mustang was skillful and quick, powerful and track-smart, and I wondered how great the A-team jammers would be if a talent like this was relegated to the J.V.
• CRG's Lambs, much like my beloved Chicago Bears of recent years, tend to win with stifling defense and just enough offense to get by. Unfortunately, Saturday night's performance did not provide nearly enough offense to overcome a strong opponent. CRG seemed content to attempt to wall off the front of the pack. I recall very few instances of a blocker coming back to play offense and assist the CRG jammers. None of the whips I saw from CRG occurred until long after the Madison jammer had cleared the pack, leaving the Lambs' jammers racing to play catch-up in almost every jam. I wondered if the CRG coaches had soccer backgrounds, as it seemed like they would be content to play to a zero-zero tie.
• The Silent Lambs were missing a few key players, notably top jammer Dr. McDerby. While it was fun to see The Librarian take the star early on, CRG jammers Polly Rocket, Miss Print, and Maim E. Van Gore'n (among others) struggled to navigate the pack. While this crew boasted some fast and nimble skaters, it was notably lacking in the power department. Jammers like those of the Lambs can be very effective with the right gameplan, but the lack of blockers to open holes in the Team Unicorn defense too often left the jammers bottled up, knocked out of bounds, and re-introduced to the Cincinnati Gardens floor.
• The other major factor that limited the Lambs' chances was the penalty situation. I don't know if it was the uneven officiating (more on that later) or just an off day for the Lambs, but it is difficult to remember many instances of a full contingent of CRG skaters on the track to start and finish a jam. I caught myself wondering why the CRG bench extended so far past the midpoint of the track, only to realize that the last three or four CRG players were in the penalty box. The problem of jammers in the box, which almost cost the Silent Lambs a victory in Grand Rapids, was too much to overcome against a strong Madison team. Sadly, as the bout progressed, I began to take notice when I looked up and actually saw a CRG jammer on the line to start a jam.
• My choice of seat rendered me unable to see the running score of this game, but from my mental tally, it was never really close. The crowd did its best to stay in the game, responding whenever the Lambs showed glimmers of hope. Possibly the loudest ovation of the day was reserved for a jam late in the second half, in which Glamour Azz wore the star (for the first time, to my knowledge). She brought a burst of energy that had long-since eluded the CRG squad, and the fans were appreciative. As she was not a regular jammer, I liken the scene to the end of a college basketball game. The seldom used walk-on gets into the action with a minute or two left, getting a rare opportunity to shine, and the buzz in the arena picks up. Everyone wants to see the diligent, hard-working reserve score, no matter that the outcome of the game was long since determined. Congrats to Glamour Azz on one of the shining moments of the game, as she took lead jammer and racked up a few points to stir the weary CRG partisans.
• After a break, it was on to the second bout of the night. In a WFTDA match-up, CRG's Black Sheep (#4 in the North Central Region) took on Madison's Dairyland Dolls (#3 in the same region). The fans came into the nightcap with renewed vigor, as CRG's A-Team took the floor. Unfortunately, the skaters rarely responded in kind. I was struck by the flat demeanor of the Black Sheep. In previous bouts, the Sheep had been the aggressors, full of fury, trash-talk, and slightly evil grins. This time around, the body language of the CRG squad foretold of trouble.
  
• Madison's Dolls came in with a very solid squad, and their pack worked quite well together. Unfortunately, due to many factors, I was unable to single out individuals for praise, but I left the Gardens believing that Madison was well-deserving of its ranking.
  
• In my recap of the bout in Grand Rapids, I mentioned that I was glad to see CRG showing enough depth at jammer to allow Sadistic Sadie to shed the star at times. Unfortunately, I think that the Sheep took this approach too far in this bout. Sadie didn't regularly take a place at the jammer line until the score was getting out of control. Jammers like Hannah Barbaric, Candy KickASS, and rookie standout K Lethal may be very talented, but Sadie is routinely the best player in the building, and CRG could have used a full night of jamming from its marquee star. Whether in a blocking role or as a jammer, it seemed that Sadie was more than a bit off in this bout. Dampened were the bursts of wicked speed and power, the intimidation, and the malicious joy in her face and body language. I kept hoping to see her force a cowering opposing jammer to call things off, rather than try a one-on-one pass. I thought back fondly at her skating backwards and blowing kisses to her foes. or doing the patented twirl-and-pass-the-star move. I can't help but wonder whether the transition from "The Sadie Show" to a balanced jamming line-up has been a victory for the "we-before-me" team mentality or a detriment to the game-changing power of its greatest player. As a fan of the Michael Jordan era Bulls, I know that there is something to be said for a good supporting cast, but when you have the greatest weapon in the game, you use it.
• Speaking of CRG's jammers, one of the few Black Sheep who had a truly outstanding performance was Hannah Barbaric. In some of last year's bouts, I thought that she didn't have the power and toughness to be a consistently strong jammer. She was too often knocked all over the track, her speed and potential bottled up. This year, however, things have definitely changed. Perhaps her blockers have had more time to adapt to her style and make her more effective, but I truly believe that she is using some tools that I (perhaps wrongly) thought she lacked previously.
• We ll know that the jammers get all of the glory. As a former offensive lineman, I know how little credit the blockers in the trenches often receive. For this reason, I really try to watch the pack for examples of praiseworthy blocking and pivotwork. While CRG's blockers had their share of solid moments, this was a disappointing performance overall. Some of the blame goes to penalty problems, but it just seemed like the entire team was off-stride. The normally-impervious front of the pack was merely decent, while the rear guard really struggled at times. I don't know if Madison's skill and game plan were truly overpowering, or if the CRG blocking was yet another example of the flat affect that permeated both CRG teams. Based on previous bouts, I think that either Philadelphia or Carolina would top Madison 9 times out of 10, and the Black Sheep had much more on display against both of those opponents. Just as in the first bout of the evening, this one was never really close, and CRG may well tumble in the rankings as a result.
• Finally, let's move on to some overall impressions of the night at the Gardens. First, the officiating was atrocious. It seems like the refs were in a constant state of confusion. Their penalty calls, to put it generously, strained credibility. The crowd rightly booed, and while it seemed that many of the bad calls went against CRG, the truth is that it was more a case of wild inconsistency than of any true bias.
• The announcers were just about impossible to hear. Well, they were easy to hear, but impossible to understand. While I was talking to Miss Print after the bout, a Pearl Jam song was playing. I thought it was very appropriate, since the whole evening for me was like a Pearl Jam show. It was very loud, but I couldn't understand any of the words.
• Half or more of the floor seats (including mine) are placed to have absolutely no view of the clock and scoreboard. For the entire first bout and most of the second, I had no idea of the actual score or time remaining. Is there some way to periodically post this information on the large overhead scoreboard? If not, I'll need to be more careful about selecting my seat next time.
• Everyone at the Gardens was very friendly and helpful, from the security, to the ticket takers and concession workers. A lot of other venues (I'm talking to you, artist formerly known as Jacobs Field) could take a lesson in customer service from these fine folks.

So, for those of you who care only about the derby, feel free to tune out now. After the bout, I decided that the time was right to finally attend a derby after-party. On numerous occasions, we had planned to check one out, but time, travel, or other considerations made it impossible. I had read good things about Grammer's, the venue for the CRG after-party, and had been encouraged by some of the skaters to attend. I had thought ahead and printed directions from the Gardens to Grammer's to my hotel, but still struggled to find the place. Aside from the downtown area, Cincinnati does a lousy job of illuminating its street signs, and my allegedly 15-minute drive took over 30 minutes including wrong turns. I finally found the bar and parked a couple of blocks down the street. Now, I've walked around on the South Side of Chicago before, and this didn't compare, but I certainly wondered if this would be the last time I saw my hubcaps. I couldn't locate the bar once I parked, so I got back in the car and drove around a bit until I found the fenced-in parking lot for Grammer's. Unfortunately, by the time I finally arrived, it was completely full. So, I once again made by way through the urban blight and found a slightly better street on which to park.

If you are just a random fan like me, as opposed to a friend or family member of one of the participants, I have one major piece of advice: do not, under any circumstances, attend the after-party. I knew absolutely no one, with the exception of my few acquaintances on the CRG teams, and I was bored out of my mind. After all of the hard work that goes into a night of roller derby, the participants want to be with their friends and family, not to entertain someone from out of town whom they barely know (or don't know at all). I made it into the bar, got a drink, and proceeded to hold up the wall for a while. Eventually, I did locate Miss Print (and later The Librarian), who was kind enough to take a few minutes out of her evening to chat. Still, if you're alone and out-of-town, the only things to gain from attending are the chance to people-watch (mildly entertaining) and to get drunk (not my style, and easy to do at any number of other locations anyway).

By 11:30 or so, I was glad to leave Grammer's and make the short drive to my hotel. I opted for a Quality Inn, just barely outside of downtown Cincy. It offered free parking and a much lower rate than the nicer places in the heart of downtown, and I had no real issues with anything pertaining to my stay. I slightly miscalculated the ease with which I could walk to the GABP, and instead took a taxi to the game, but otherwise was very pleased with my accommodations.

I arrived at the ballpark just before the gates opened and walked up to buy a ticket. I figured that the game would not sell out, so I might as well avoid the online Ticketbastard fees. I ended up sitting in the View Box seats (my absolute favorite and well worth the $22), in the front row, just to the first base side of home plate. The temperature couldn't have been much warmer than 70, but sitting in the direct sunlight, it felt like a sweltering midsummer day. After filling out the lineups on my scorecard and taking in the end of batting practice, I strolled up to the concourse to get some lunch. While everything else about the GABP is excellent, the food is average at best. I picked up a Big Red Smokey (no threat to the Comiskey Jumbo Kosher Dog or the Milwaukee Brat atop my list), a cinnamon pretzel, and a diet coke, thinking about what that $16 would have bought at a decent restaurant, and settled in for the game.

The pregame festivities included a lot of Mother's Day and Breast Cancer related happenings, and the players were using the pink bats (to be later auctioned to raise money). I was reminded of the funniest thing I ever saw on SportsPickle (an online sports news satire site). I won't post the actual joke here, but it had something to do with one of the main colors of baseball bats being "ash." The game itself had pockets of good action, surrounded by the slow death march of walks, pitching changes, and general slow play. By the 7th inning, every time I saw Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa, a small part of me died. I was glad to be in attendance to see Reds' rookie third baseman Adam Rosales's first MLB home run, and Joey Votto added a nice pinch-hit, opposite-field blast. The game started at 1:10pm, and as the 8th inning drew to a close, the clock showed almost 4:45. I believe that both teams were scouring the lower deck box seats for potential pitchers by then, and I was getting writer's cramp from the constant lineup changes. I decided that with the Reds down 7-5, I had better begin my trip home, knowing that once I got back to my car, I still had a 3 1/2 hour drive ahead. Once I got onto I-75 North, I found the game on the radio, just in time to hear the Reds' Micah Owings (a rare pitcher with the talent to pinch-hit) blast a homer to tie the game at 7 in the bottom of the 9th. I was a bit upset that I had left too early to see it, but the Reds went on to lose in the 10th inning, 8-7. By the time the game ended, I was driving through Dayton, so I considered my choice to leave a sound one. I made it back to Toledo safely, carrying a memorable memento of my day at the ballpark: blazing-red arms and forehead. Also, I have just about the funniest tan lines (burn lines?) ever on my legs. Imagine that you went out to sunbathe while wearing kneepads. Now, flip the white and dark spots, and you have an accurate picture of my bright red knees.

All in all, the weekend was a mixed bag. Maybe you and me were never meant to be, but baby think of me once in a while.